Last week marked 2 years dry for me. I mean totally dry. Not a sip, not a drop, not a taste on my tongue.

No alcohol at all.
Not even at the mall.
Not even with Paul Wall.
Not in my mouth or at my house or even on my balls.

It’s true ya’ll.

Given that I don’t indulge in any recreational and/or prescription drugs, I live a pretty clean lifestyle. I have very few addictions or bad habits. Granted I drink a pot of coffee every day, eat an entire bag of candy, and bang 19 year old girls, but those are normal, healthy habits for a 36 year old. I mean, I take a multi-vitamin with extra C. I eat Cream O’ Wheat for breakfast. I do Pilates (no I don’t.)

SIDEBAR: For those of you who are gong to focus on the “bang 19 year old girls” comment, understand something. I will, on occasion, go as high as 22 years of age. My criteria for dating has changed substantially over the years. I’m looking for someone more mature. So I never and I mean NEVER, have sex with anyone who writes like, “hEY, BAd aSs fRAnK. whErE dO u staY aT? hOllA”.

Unless they’re hot.

Anyway, back to the non-drinking. I’m not trying to toot my horn (insert joke about 19 year old girl tooting my horn HERE), or asking for congratulations, or even making any real point. I’m really just looking for an excuse to write a blog. Be that as it may, I’m still pretty proud of my drunkenesslessness. I quit cold turkey, with no help. No AA, no program, no rehab. Willpower motherfuckers. That’s right. When I’m done, I’m done. It’s tough sometimes but hey, so is getting my hair to look so amazing every day, even when it’s raining and such. But you don’t see me giving up on that do you? (the answer is “no”, fyi).

Let me recount some stories from when I used to drink.

This one time I um…it was uhhh…I think we were at…

Yep, that’s pretty much how it was when I drank. Or so they tell me. Cuz I don’t remember a fucking thing. See, my problem wasn’t how often I drank, but how MUCH I drank. I might go 2 weeks without alcohol. Then I’d go out one night and make up for all the days I missed. It was a pretty good system if you ask me. They say that 2 drinks a day is good for your heart or some such thing. I didn’t want to drink every day but I certainly wanted to do what was best for my heart. So I’d wait 2 weeks and drink oh, say, 20 drinks. It’s far more efficient than the other way. I do that in many aspects of my life. Just this morning I took a giant shit as I hadn’t gone since February. Not only have I saved time but I’m not polluting the environment with all that used TP. Wow, I should write a book. No, wait, I’ll make a movie.

“An Inconvenient Poop”

Long story short, I quit drinking. My intention is to never drink again. There was no benefit for me, no upside. And, quite honestly, I don’t miss it. No big bar tabs, no big girls in my bed, no hangovers, no dreading what I might have said or done the night before. It’s really been one of the better decisions of my life. Right up there with getting a divorce and shaking three times after I pee instead of twice.

I’m not claiming anyone should stop drinking any more that I’m claiming anyone should stop believing in Jesus, eating vegan or voting Republican. Granted, all are absurdly idiotic behaviors, but who am I to judge. So go forth, have a cocktail or two, or 4, or 10. Just remember to behave responsibly and don’t drive. And for you young girls, 18, 19 and 20 years old, it’s not safe for you to be out drinking. You never know what could happen, or who might try to take advantage of you. So, until you’re 21, do the smart, safe, responsible thing…

Drink at my place.

Anyway, that’s that. I hope you’ve learned something from this and realize that you too can overcome addiction. You are not powerless. Life does not have to be a haze of alcohol and drugs. Once your mind is clear you’ll realize the beauty of the world and all that it has to offer a sober mind. Trust me, I did it.

Now where did I put that gallon of Nyquil…