Let’s cut to the chase. I am a highly sought after specimen of incredible manliness and ladies love/lust/worship me. However, I am unable to take a bride because, well, chicks are sucky. And I don’t mean the good “sucky-fucky me love you long time” kind. I just mean lame. In order for you to fully comprehend how lame you girls are, you’ll need to start from the beginning. Read the first five installments below then return and continue. If you choose not to read the previous pieces, please add “Too stupid to follow simple directions” to my list of dealbreakers pertaining specifically to you.

Date This

Date This – The First Amendment

Date That

Date That – The First Amendment

Date That – The Second Amendment

In the last essay, Date That – The Second Amendment, I finished with the following statement:

“Next time I’ll explain my thoughts, theories and rules on sex in the early stages of dating. Just so it’s understood, I will not rush you. I will not pressure you. I won’t even make any moves until you express that you feel comfortable. I respect your desire to wait to have sex until we get to know each other better, so I’ll just fuck somebody else until you’re ready, because I care about your feelings.”

Let’s say, for the sake of make believe, that you’ve made it past my initial five lists of dealbreakers and dealmakers. We both know it’s absurd to pretend that’s possible, but it’s the only way you’d have made it far enough for this blog to have any meaning. So, you’re a great chick and I really like you….

Sorry, I was doubled over with paroxysms of laughter.

As I was saying, you’re this amazing woman and I’m interested in dating you….

Ok, ok. I almost had a seizure on that one. I mean, as if. This time I promise I’ll make it through. You’re a wonderful girl and I…I um, ha, uh, I would like to haha, to uh, ha, to consider you to be my hahahahaha….my girlfriend.

I thought I’d never get through that. Anyway, now that we’ve established your viability and my potential feelings for you, what’s the next step? It’s dating, of course. This may or may not mean exclusively and that’s not relevant for the purposes of this particular discussion. What’s relevant to this discussion is sex.

Let the fucking begin.

Sex is a major issue but never more so than in the beginning of a dating relationship (later on I’ll be bored and won’t care). There are so many questions we ask ourselves but there are two that tend to be more prevalent in our minds. One is from the guy, and one is from the girl.

Guy: How soon can I have sex?

Girl: How soon should I have sex?

The guy, well, I don’t even have to explain that one. I’d bone a chick I met at a stoplight before I got to the next intersection. It’s in my DNA (and soon my DNA will be in her mouth). My reasoning for having sex early on isn’t the same as most guys because I am more highly evolved than other men. I’ve stockpiled enough sex throughout the years to go without for a while. I’m like a camel that drank at the vagina oasis and filled my hump for those long droughts. The reason I want to have sex up front is two fold. One, to find out if I even like having sex with you, because if I don’t then allowing you to continue to court me is a huge waste of my valuable time when I could be fucking my way to my next relationship. The other is so I don’t get bored. And I get bored quickly. I may not get bored with you as a person, I’ll just get bored with you as a prospect. You’ll be reclassified as a football and I’ll spike your ass in the friend zone. Touchdown bitches! For the extra point I’ll kick you to my friends so that they can play a game of touch with your ass. Sorry, you’re not going to the Superbowl. You didn’t even make it to the playoffs.

Speaking of playing touch with an ass…

A female has other reasons for waiting to have sex. One may be that she’s conservative and waits until she’s in a relationship before giving up the flower. I respect that. And so will whoever she ends up in her next relationship with. It just won’t be me. How the hell could I decide if I wanted to be in a relationship with you if I haven’t fucked you? Your argument that I should get to know you, care for you, and be willing to wait to bang you, is nonsense. Know you on both an intellectual and an emotional level, but not a physical level? You want me to to take a risk on two out of the three facets of intimacy? Why don’t I get to know you on an intellectual and sexual level but not emotional? I’ll offer you my heart after we’re in a relationship. Otherwise I’m not taking the risk. That makes as much sense as your way, which is none. You want to wait to have sex and I’m the kinda of guy that gives you want you want.

You’ve just won a lifetime supply of waiting.

Another reason girls wait is because they “really like the guy and want his respect”. I just checked my calendar and I’m reasonably certain it’s 2009 and not 1959 so unless you’re dating a guy driving a DeLorean with a Flux Capacitor, I don’t think this is a very realistic concern today. Although if you are I would like to meet him, make him my best friend, and introduce him to a girl who’s hotter than you because he deserves it. But yes, there are guys who want you to play coy and hard to get. Those are the same insecure, naive guys who want to believe you’ve only slept with your few serious boyfriends, never had a one night stand, never sucked a dick in the backseat of a car, never had a threesome with your best girlfriend and some guy, never banged one your man’s friends, never met Bad Ass Frank from the internet and fucked him, etc etc, and ho on and ho forth. Look, you’ve been a dirty little tramp at some point in your life, even if it was only for a brief moment. If you haven’t, you haven’t lived. I can remedy that for you right here and now. If you’re hot, call me and let’s get you on the right track. If you’re huge, call me and let’s get you running on a track. Look, the truth of the matter is, I don’t care where you’ve been or what you’ve done before. I’ve dated the most whorish chicks on the planet. I’ve also dated some of the most prudish. Both have their positives and negatives but it’s not for you, your friends, your family, or society to decide what is good or bad, right or wrong. It’s for me to decide (I am the decider). Because I am the only one who will not judge you for your past or present decisions. Ok, that’s a lie. I will judge you more harshly than anyone ever has or will. But if I like you, and the sex is good, I will probably let it slide (into you, repeatedly).

When it comes down to the come down, I need to cum or this relationship is going down—in flames. I want to know you everything about you, on every level, and in every position. I want to know all of your hopes, dreams, fears, and whether or not you like a finger in your ass. I want to understand every layer of your being, every subtle nuance of your personality, and if you swallow. These are the important things that I need to know in order to determine if we can move forward into everlasting love, bliss, and the exchange of bodily fluids. So stop playing hard to get before I am hard to get in touch with.

I’m going to point out two versions of a reason that chicks claim to wait which I’ve found most amusing. I’ve had more than one say to me, “I’m insecure because you’ve been with so many girls and I’m scared I can’t measure up” or the ever popular, “I’m not going to be as good as those pornstars you’ve dated.” I’m going to simply say that, if I like you, don’t worry. I will train you.

One other note. I will not make any moves on you. It’s not my style. I’ve said it before but if you want to start that game where I try to bang you over and over again and you reject me until you decide that the time is right, suck a dick. Or rather, call me when you’re ready to suck a dick. My dick. In the meantime, I’ll be banging another girl I’m interested in who understands what she’s got to do in order to land me. Now some chicks get pissy when I say this because they feel it’s the guys job to make the first move. Fine, you let me know you’re open to it and I will. But if I do and you start with that, “I’m not ready” bullshit, the first move will also be the last move. You want some action, make it happen. If I had a dollar for every girl that said, “I thought you didn’t like me cuz you didn’t try anything”, I’d be rich. You claim you don’t want to have sex right away, then when I respect that and leave you alone, you think I’m not attracted to you. If I do make any moves, you bitch about it with, “See, I knew that’s all you wanted”. Well the tables have turned. If I’m with you, I probably like you. If I’m attracted to you I will tell you. Now the pressure is on you. Do something about it or wait, I’m fine either way. Just know that some other chick is ready to step into the ring and go a few rounds while you’re still deciding whether or not to get into this fight.
Put up or shut up. No, wait.

Put out or shut up.

A lot of ladies will claim that this attitude is just a ploy to get laid. If I needed a ploy to get laid I’d do what other guys do and feed you a lot of bullshit. Getting laid is easier than finding a cup of coffee in a Starbucks, a homeless person in Venice Beach, or a dirty whore amongst my ex-girlfriends, all of which are pretty fucking easy.

As you should be.