Yesterday, one of my fine readers commented on my Nothin’ Could Be Finer Than To Be In Your Vagina blog, pointing out that money was often a good measurement for the value of anything. Since I agree, I’ll take it a step further and offer up that money is the perfect tool for measuring the tightness, or value, of a vagina.

Now, you’re probably thinking along standard lines, that the tighter the vagina, the more it’s worth. And you’d be absolutely correct. If I can utilize your snatch as an additional parking space, it’s not really worth much to me. Unless, of course, I am having a dinner party and in need of additional parking.

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Do not, however, devalue a lady who thinks it’s cute to have a “Parking In The Rear” sign in her bedroom. That, my friends, means she likes it in her butt, which is, in all likelihood, pretty tight.

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Although it seems logical, we can’t use a sum of money to describe the value of a given vagina and it’s corresponding tightness. Because the value of various dollar amounts is arbitrary, meaning different things to different people. To the average person, a million dollar pussy is quite a pussy. But, if you were say, Bill Gates, mentioning a million dollar pussy may prompt a glance toward his favorite pet, a Persian Tabby, fresh off it’s cover shoot for Cat Fancy magazine. This particular feline, let’s call it ‘Explorer’, is wearing a beautiful collar made of diamond and platinum computer chips, worth in excess of one million dollars. Would this not be a ‘million dollar pussy’? Indeed.

Inversely, one might be walking the streets of say, Hollywood, and notice what many refer to as a two dolla ho. To many of us, a ‘two dolla ho’ is of little to no value. It’s something we wouldn’t consider in even our most desperate state of horniness (scientific term for ‘overactive libido’). This would be akin to visiting a hot dog cart, seeing “Now Serving Sushi – Just 25 cents a roll”, and ordering the sweet shrimp. You wouldn’t do it. Keep in mind, that just because you don’t see the value of a disease infested, crack smoking, ‘two dolla ho’, doesn’t mean that someone else doesn’t. Let’s take into consideration her pimp, who sees her as an important asset to his team. Without her, he has no rings, no alligator shoes and certainly no pimp cup.

One man’s million dollar pussy is another man’s two dolla ho. And vice versa.

Where does that leave us, in our efforts to relate the coins of the realm to the flowers of the lady? It’s quite simple, my friends. And in it’s simplicity, brilliance.

When it comes to money, bigger isn’t always better. Would you rather have a nickel or a dime? And when it comes to pussy, bigger is never better. Tight is better than loose. What does that have to do with my system? Nothing.

From this day forward, all vaginal size/tightness will be measured using monetary terms. Here’s the catch…less monetary value = higher vaginal value. The lower the loot, the tighter the twat. Let me elaborate.

A roll of coins, although smaller, is loosely the shape of a phallus, an object designed by God (Athiest makes reference to imaginary deity), to fit comfortably into a vaginal opening. Hence, we have a good reference as far as shape is concerned. The length of coin rolls doesn’t concern us as vaginal depth need not be measured unless you have an excessively long penis. Since this is my system, it need not be measured. Fuck you.

I’m assuming you’ve pieced together some semblance of a clue as to where I’m going with this but, if not, it’s circumference, and you’re an idiot.

From here forward, you’ll have a clearly defined way to rate, judge and describe the snug, or not so snug, fit one can expect in a given chicks snapper. Keep in mind, this scale is designed for men of average size, as determined in yesterday’s blog.

Penny – (aka Penny Poon)
Close to the best rating one can get on the Vagtyte scale. With a relaxed circumference of 19mm, sliding into this pussy is like barely legal bliss. You have to start slowly, because this kitty needs to be warmed up before you can commence pounding with your Lincoln log.

Nickel -
A nickel is about average at 20mm. Most love canals maintain their original size and shape with normal use, and feel very nice unless you’ve got a pencil penis.

Quarter -
At 24mm, this hole is slightly above average and, on a bad day, feels like a half dollar. Often this isn’t for any particular reason other than poor genetics. She may come from a long line of loose labia’d ladies. May do porn, but only white guys.

Half Dollar – (aka Half Dolla Ho)
30mm of cavernous coochie that’s probably seen a lot of black penis.

Dollar – (aka Silver Dollar Snatch)
Just under 40mm, all I can say is “Hellooo…hellooo…helloooo…hellooooo….”. May have had multiple children. May have had multiple children at the same time. May have had multiple children that gestated until age nine then all ran out together playing kickball.

Ten Thousand Dollars – (aka Ten Grand Twat or TGT)
An immeasurably sized roll of bills. This defies the laws of Pussilogical Physics. Run for your life. It’s Vagzilla.

Now, that covers all but one. One that doesn’t fit into the scale as the others do. One rare gem of a box, that’s virtually priceless, yet has a corresponding monetary unit with which we can define it. One exceptional and inconceivable slit that brings unimagineable pleasure to the world…

The Dime.

The Dime -
A mere 18mm of butthole-like tightness. So slight is the slit, that when you slide in she squeals. You’re surrounded by so much pressure on all sides, it’s like you’ve submerged your unit to the greatest depths of the sea itself. There are, however, two risks with a Dime. One is that you’ll hurt the girl surrounding this gloriously narrow naughtiness. Keep this in mind and be cautious of damaging her unyeilding flower. The other is that the sheer pleasure will overcome you, and your experience will end before it really gets started. Trust me, this can happen. Like, it can happen really easily. Over and over and over again. Seriously. It can.

That’s how it all works gentlemen. You can go forth into the world and fuck with a confidence that, when asked, you’ll be able to tell your friends, “Not bad, she’s a nickel,” and they’ll know exactly what you mean. Girls have always had it easy when describing our penis size. Lot’s of points of comparison. Now we have the upper hand. Next time you’re drunk in a bar, hitting on a girl and getting shot down, just stand back and scream,

“Look ya Silver Dollar Snatch, don’t take out your insecurities on me!”