‘Interview with the Vampire’ was awesome. ‘Lost Boys’ is a classic. I wouldn’t see ‘Twilight’ if you paid me. I’d rather see ‘Four Christmases’ and that’s a 2009 holiday rental waiting to happen. ‘Twilight’ look like a fucking episode of ‘One Tree Hill’ with vampires. It’s obviously going to be a huge hit with teenage girls, emo fags, and gay dudes. Not that I’m hating on teenage girls or gay dudes. I’m quite fond of both. Not “fond” in the “I want to bang” sense. One is illegal and the other has a cock. Neither jail or cock appeals to me. Although I suppose even the former leads to cock, so either way I end up fucked in my ass. No thank you. Emo fags however, leave me wildly confused. Shouldn’t they have all killed themselves or, at the very least, updated their image to reflect a trend that wasn’t over two years ago? Maybe they were holding out for this gay, emo vampire movie. Fine, it’s here. Once you’ve watched you’re off the hook. You can stop being a weepy, pussy fag little bitch. I don’t care if you keep wearing makeup, but don’t be such a fucking girl anymore. Nobody but retarded fourteen year old chicks, who think “life is pain”, appreciate your ability to cry on cue. Eh, maybe we’ll get lucky and you’ll get killed by a vampire. Although your blood is probably too weak for them, from all the cutting. Aim for an artery Vlad.

  
I gag on your faggy emo blood.

And that’s why I hate emo people. Wait, this was about something else. Oh yeah, that movie ‘Twilight’. I hate to break it to everyone, but vampires aren’t real. They’re never going to be. For us older folk, we’ve come to terms with the fact that Lestat is never going to appear in our window, make us immortal, then take us to New Orleans to live in a romantic old mansion. If vampires were real, it would be more like Keifer Sutherland with a mullet, murdering fat tourists down at the pier. And nobody fantasizes about Keifer with a mullet anymore. In my fantasies, vampires look like this:

Every night they come to suck me dry yet never get a drop of blood. Now that’s a vampire movie, or at least worth filming. I wonder how long til all the cheesy porn companies (as opposed to the non-cheesy ones?) come out with lame vampire spoofs. I’m anticipating:

Twatlight
Intercourse with the Vampire
Lost in the Boys
I Vant To Suck Your Pud
and the 80’s underground hit, ”Hepatitus Makes My Tummy Hurt”
Of course there’s always the classic, ‘Count Crackula’, where vampires can only be killed by a sterling silver butt plug.

‘Twilight’ makes me long for the good old days, when vampires were forced to do battle with the most bad ass of all fang-hunters…the two Coreys. Instead, we’re stuck with brooding high school students who can only be understood by another high school student who’s been alive for over one hundred years, much like the cast of the original 90210. Sometimes I love Hollywood, and sometimes it sucks the life out of me, kinda like a…

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Speaking of sucking, check out my classic blog on Blow Jobs. And if your pudlust isn’t satiated, spread the love around with my dissertation on numbers of partners in Horton Hears A Whore.