In an effort to redeem myself after the whiny-girlie-bitchblog about Mike moving, I’m going to move along to another topic that’s near and dear to my heart, sacred to my soul, uplifting to my life…

Blow jobs.

Typically I don’t write about sex. I mean, everyone does that, right? It’s kind of a throw away topic. Like saying, “Hey, I’m not that creative so I’m gonna write about fucking, or something related to it.” But today, I’m veering off the path of writing with my superiority complex and thinking about getting head.

I’m not talking about the standard bj as foreplay. I’m talking about the full on blow-me-til-I-blow-a-load deal. The kind where you just sit back, relax, and let your fine (or um, hopefully not hideous) lady friend do ALL the work. The kind where she just looks at you and says, “I’m in a cocksucking kinda mood.” The kind I never got from my ex-wife.

“WHAT?”, you scream, incredulously, “NEVER? Not once?”.

No, not one time ever. Not even close. And let me tell you, 8 1/2 years is a long time to go without a decent blow job. Truthfully, 8 1/2 days is a long time to go without a decent blow job, so imagine my life back then. But when I got divorced I discovered a whole new world of mouth-to-me love. Particularly because I got married in Maryland but I got divorced in LOS ANGELES. In case you’re unaware of this, girls in LA are um, slightly more free with their sexuality.

Translation, LA chicks are sluts.

And I love them for it. Not because they’re slutty, but because, in general, they’re not overly conservative about sex. I’m sure you’d expect ME to say this, given my chosen profession, but I’m WAY more conservative than you think. My friends know this. Girls I bang know this. I know this. Now you know this. I like saying “know this” repeatedly.

Anyway, I’d already had a number of blow jobs in my life. More than I can even count. And when I say “a number”, I don’t mean multiple bj’s from a few of the same girls. I mean tons from all different girls. I’d had a lot. But none of them compared to my first post marriage bj. You see, I didn’t wanna get too heavily involved in dating, so I tried to keep things casual. And often when you “keep things casual”, girls don’t wanna have sex immediately, if at all. True to form, the first girl I “hung out” with didn’t want to move to quickly into sex, but she was ok with giving head. And she was good at it. VERY good at it. Probably the best I’d ever had, at least at that point in my life. And since then, I’ve had a few…

hundred.

Now, what defines a good blow job? A question for the ages. But ladies, don’t worry, there’s a surefire way to determine if you are skilled in the oral arena. Come over, blow me, and I’ll tell you if it’s good or not. Seriously, I’m here for you. And if it’s not, I will let you practice over and over and over again until you’ve perfected your technique. I’m like a missionary, starting a school for those who are less fellatio fortunate. I’m such a giver. Well, in this case, I’m a receiver. Wait, that makes me sound like I’m taking it in the ass. And I do NOT take it in the ass. I mean, unless it’s like, just a finger, and the chick has no fingernails, and she’s blowing me. Cuz that’s not gay.

IT’S NOT GAY TO LET A HOT CHICK STICK HER FINGER IN YOUR BUTT!

Wow, last blog I admitted that I was crying and now I’m admitting to liking a finger in my butt. Apparently, no one has taught me to edit my words before posting them for everyone on the internet. I guess that’s the beauty of being Bad Ass Frank. I simply do not give a fuck. Seriously, I don’t. Love me or leave me or blow me and finger my butt. It’s all good.

Back to the definition of good head. What is it? Who does it? Does anyone teach it? I don’t know. But much like beauty, it’s in the eye of the “beholder”. By “beholder” I mean the receiver of said head. I, for one, enjoy a variety of techniques and types, not ranking any one particular style over another. But let me cover some of the basics that make for a job well done…

1) Enthusiasm. A girl who really LOVES to give head is already ahead of the curve. I know girls who can actually orgasm from giving a blow job. Do you KNOW how hot that is? Very. Very very. Nothing is worse than a girl who’s tolerating it, or doing it simply out of obligation. Snore. I’d rather handle my own business, thank you very much. Give me a chick who says things like, “I know you’re tired but would you mind if I stuck your cock in my mouth?” or, “Blowing you would totally get me off right now.” Um, can you say looooooooooooooove? Nothing beats a girl just offering out of a genuine desire to pleasure me. And yes ladies, OFFER. If I have to ask, it doesn’t have the same effect. I mean, if I do ask and you say yes, that’s pretty good. But an offer is even better.

2) Enthusiasm. Yes, I know this was also number one. But it’s so important that it’s also numbers 2 and 3.

3) See number 2.

4) Technique. Personally, I like a variety of things. None of them involve teeth. As a matter of fact, if you’re blowing me and I even remember that you HAVE teeth, you have failed. Let us keep that in mind ladies. Scratching my back with your nails during sex, and leaving marks, is hot. Teeth marks on my cock are not hot. And not not-hot-like-spots but a not hot league of their own. That pretty much covers what could be potentially bad about a bj. Now, as for good. there are SO many things. A nice, gentle bj, where you’re pretty much making out with my junk, is quite nice. It’s relaxing, it feels good, and, if done with a certain flair, can actually bring me to orgasm. Then there’s the aggressive, voraciously cum-hungry bj where self-gagging and slurping noises are almost constant. My first one of these almost scared me to death but since then I’ve learned to appreciate it, nay, to adore it. There’s the fun loving “do you like that”? while licking my balls, and there’s the silent but steady head bobbing up and down as if to music. I could go on and on and on about the technique but it’s all about personal preference. Ladies, might I suggest that you simply ask your man what he likes. And men, don’t be afraid to tell them. Tell them you like your balls juggled, tell them you like some hand action, tell them you like a finger in your butt. Don’t be a pussy. Just tell them. If they pay attention to what you’ve said you’re in for a whole new experience of mouth magic.

5) Swallowing. Ok, I know some ladies gag at the thought and some guys say that they don’t care. But overall it makes for a better experience. Before I explain why, let me say that I don’t mean a girl ACTUALLY has to swallow it. I use this term more for a girl letting you cum in her mouth, rather than actually having to ingest the spooge. Now why would I care if she lets me cum in her mouth? It’s simple. When my cock is in your mouth, whatever you are doing to lead me into my orgasm must feel amazing. So why in the FUCK would I want you to stop doing that very thing once I START the orgasm? I want some follow through until I tell you to stop. Until the helmet of little BAF Jr. is far too sensitive for you to continue. I will let you know when we hit that point. And girls, say it’s gross. Say you don’t want my bodily fluid in your mouth. Say it. I dare you. Cuz if and when you say that you have effectively given me permission to NEVER go near your vagina with my mouth. Because there is NO WAY IN HELL I can go down on you and not get a bunch of your pussy juice in my grill. Seriously, it’s like getting thrown into a pool before you know how to swim. You’re gonna get a mouthful of pool water whether you like to or not. So tell me my fluid is gross and I’ll make you build a levee between your clit and the rest of your vagina, just to protect me from any potential SWALLOWING that I might have to endure. Make sense?

Ok, it’s late, I’m tired, and I think there’s a good chance I’m about to get blown. Lucky for me, I get blown on a regular basis, and by a variety of blowers. Does that make me sound whorish? Don’t know, don’t care. Think of it like this…some people get a massage and it relaxes, rejuvenates, revitalizes…I get blow jobs. Cuz I don’t like massages.

Here’s a humorous thought…I’ve received bj’s from tons of different girls, many of whom are on Myspace. As a matter of fact, my top 5, 10, or 20 head givers are all probably on here. I wonder if they’ll read this and know who they are. I wonder if there’s some that think they’re in the top 5 even though maybe they’re not. I wonder if any will ask. I wonder if I’ll tell the truth. Hmmmm….maybe I’ll start one of those bulletins where you list things about your friends like who’s the funniest, who’s the smartest, who’s the hottest…I’ll list the most talented tongue, who can make me blow the quickest, who is the most enthusastic, who’s got no gag reflex, who stuck their finger in my butt (you’d think I’d shut up about that). I wonder if that’ll get me in any trouble? Maybe it will, maybe it won’t. I’m sure some will like this blog, and some will think it’s disgusting. Some will appreciate my candor and some will be offended. Some will laugh cuz they know they’re on the list and others will make derogatory statements and say I have a small penis. But really, I look at it this way. If you don’t like what I’ve written here…

blow me.