I love you. And the best way for me to demonstrate this is to continuously reinforce the fact that you can’t get me, you’ll never have me, and I’m not interested. Isn’t that how the saying goes? If you love something, set it free and make sure it knows that it doesn’t live up to your standards so it should stay the fuck away, or something like that.

I’ve tried to explain all of this in previous blogs such as Date This, Date This – The First Amendment, and Date That. The former two being a breakdown of deal breakers and the latter being a make up of deal makers. If you haven’t read them, please do. Particularly if you’re a high self esteem female. I can cure what ails you.

Now, even after all of my teachings, women still seem to find themselves gravitating toward me in the hopes of becoming the recipient of my love, affection, and morning wood. One of those can be arranged. I’ll leave it to you to figure it out which. The issue I’m having is, chicks think that because they don’t possess any of the problematic “Date This” characteristics, and because they do meet all or most of the “Date That” criteria, they’re in there like time share. Let me assure you, that’s a big negative (although I will get you free tickets to Disneyland if you’ll take this brief tour). Look, if you can claim all of that, you don’t have a foot in the door, you just rang the doorbell. That doesn’t mean I’m gonna answer it. I might stare at you through the peephole til you go away. Have you met me?

If you want a piece of the champ, you’re gonna have to bring your A-game to training camp. Show up in shape and ready to battle for your position. Otherwise you’re gonna get cut quicker than Kenny Powers after he lost his fastball.

“You’re fuckin’ out!”

What does it take to make it to the big show and land ol’ BAF?, you ask. Let’s not get ahead of ourselves little lady. “Landing” me is a tall order (in spite of my height) and I’m not sure you have the stamina, endurance, or emotional balance to pull it off. So how about we aim a little more realistically and discuss how you might get to date me. That’s a much better starting point for a rookie. And trust me, you’re a rookie.

I’m going to stop with the sports metaphors now because they are really fucking annoying, much like your personality probably is, but you’ll cry it out eventually, I’ll see to that. So let’s not focus on your shortcomings. Let’s focus on what you need to be doing in order to get into my good graces and make me like you.

You need to pay me an inordinate amount of attention.

Yeah, I said it. You’re aware of who I am, right? I’m a huge attention whore and I eat it up like it’s candy and I’m a big fat butterpants on a binge. I get a lot of attention. More than a normal person should. Thank god (fake entity alert) I’m way more awesome than a normal person so I can justify the amount of attention I receive. The problem is, you have to compete against that attention in order for me to pay attention to you. Obviously you can’t shower upon me the same amount that thousands and thousands of people do without stalking me (which is okay if you’re hot but if you’re ugly then stop). However, you have the upper hand on the masses. For one, you’re probably in possession of my phone number. If you’ve learned anything, you will likely never call it. I don’t like to be called. The ringer on my phone is on silent 100 percent of the time. It’s not on quiet or even vibrate. Silent. Why is that do you think? It’s because I don’t care if it’s ringing as I have no intention of answering it. You know this, so why would you call me? Even worse is if you decide to leave me a voicemail. What could you possibly say on a voicemail that was so important that you had to express it verbally? If it says, “Call me”, which you could have just as easily texted and saved me the time and hassle of dialing into my vm and listening to you drone on about some dumb shit followed by “Call me”, I probably hate you. Which I suppose I should thank you for because it saves me a lot of trouble as I shall never call you again. You may, however, text me, which is definitely acceptable. In fact, it’s encouraged. You should do it regularly throughout the day to let me know that you’re thinking about me which you should be doing 100 percent of the time. If you’re not, I question your committment to me and there is someone out there who has replaced you since yesterday. Sorry, you lose.

This is the kind of attention I require.

Another acceptable way to show me attention is to comment on my blogs which serves multiple purposes. It demonstrates that you are a fan of my writing. This is important because if you are not a fan of my writing then you clearly have no taste, no sense of humor, and are stupid. It also shows that you are interested in and willing to learn the correct way to behave, as my postings often teach valuable life lessons. Nothing wrong with trying to better yourself for my greater good. Finally, it shows that you’re following my work which is exactly what you should be doing, as long as you don’t question any of it. The moment you question me is the moment you negate all of your hard work and go to the back of the line which is lengthy indeed. Likelihood of ever making it to the front again, nil. Should have agreed with me. You’re dismissed.

Ok, I could go on and list a million ways for you to pay me the massive amount of  attention I deserve, but none of them really matter. If you’re not smart enough to figure it out on your own, it’ll never be enough (No matter what you do, it’ll never be enough. I’m a giant void). What I’d love to see is a girl who can come up with some creative ways to show me she was observant and invested in my glorious being on a minute-to-minute basis. Remember, it’s not stalking if I let you blow me after.

Other obvious ways like emails, video blogs, faxes, letters in the mail, changing your status update, sending me a carrot cake, tweets, skywriting, dropping in to see me (Never, EVER drop in to see me. Are you fucking crazy?), sacrificing a virgin on Youtube in my honor, branding yourself, buying me an Asian prostitute, filming a commercial extolling my virtues (primetime placement only), the Goodyear blimp, renting a billboard on Sunset, jumping from an airplane with no chute while screaming my name, and sex with you and 2 of your hot friends, are all fine ways to express that you’re thinking of me and want me to know. Still, nothing I haven’t seen before, so let’s do something unique, shall we?

In the next installment I’m going to expand on a statement I made in a previous blog, “You playing hard to get will make me hard to get in touch with”. It’s true, I’m not much for the chase. The only way I’ll pursue you is if you’ve stolen money from me.

I’ve gotta go now. I just got text messages from two different girls who know how this game works already. Don’t worry, they’re doing great right now but ultimately they’ll fold under the pressure. Everybody does. And so shall you.

XOXO ladies….XO XO.