Many of you want to make sweet, sweet love to me, cuddle up for all of eternity, and be my one and only soulmate.

No.

See, I have an extensive list of deal breakers, aka ‘reasons you suck’, which I’ve politely chronicled for your review in a previous blog, Date This. Upon completion of that particular piece, I came to the realization that my list wasn’t as thorough as I’d hoped, so I followed it up with Date This – The First Amendment. I suggest a quick read of both before or after this one. It’s imperative to get all of the information to guarantee that we can never be together. I understand now that my list of things I won’t tolerate in a girl isn’t a destination, it’s a journey, so expect regular amendments to my constitution.

One young lady who found herself able to pass virtually all of the deal breakers on both lists suggested that I might also create a list of deal makers. These would be things that I require in a potential date/mate/girlfriend/wife. In the interest of putting a positive spin on your inadequacy, I offer you my needs for your perusal.

Suck a mean dick – I figured we should get this one out of the way early on. Lackluster blow jobs are the perfect reason for me to end up at a strip club for the taco Tuesday lunch buffet. If your bj’s fail to rock my world (shout out to hair extensions on VH1), then it’s likely that Glitter will be working her neck like an oil rig with a digit in my dookie hole on her break. And she won’t even let it get on my upholstery.

Have a strong desire to suck a mean dick – The fact that you’re good at it means nothing if you’re not enthusiastic. If you need some clarification on that, please revisit my 2006 blog Blow Me, then return and continue. Beyond that, don’t make me ask. I once dated a girl who, throughout the day, regularly requested to give me head. “You stressed? How bout a blow job?”. “Tired tonight baby? Let me blow you”. “I’m bored. Head?”. Yes. Yes. And Yes. That kind of motivation is exactly what we’re looking for here at BAF Inc. You’re hired. Sadly, that particular girl turned out to be the basis for much of the deal breaker list.

Have an insatiable need to have sex with me and act on it – See, I sometimes get bored. Fine. I all the time get bored. But you’re hot horny hotness rubbing up against me alleviates my boredom almost instantly. You coming out of the shower and crawling onto my lap asking to be spanked piques my interest. You purposes bending over in front of me and pretending to tie your shoes even though you’re barefoot gets my attention. It’s your job to keep our sex life fresh and exciting. It is my job to get bored with you and want to bang other girls. If you do your job, I’ll be too busy to do my job. At least until taco Tuesdays. They’re only a dollar!

Be a good cook – I’m not a foodie. I like to eat healthy a large percentage of the time so if you can steam rice, make a salad, and cook a piece of chicken that doesn’t need to be chewed like gum, we’re almost there. But every once in a while I like something awesome and tasty. Ribs, turkey with gravy, a pot roast. Yes, a pot roast. Someone offer me a pot roast and it’s a date. Extra points if you’re willing to slow cook me Cream o’ Wheat in the morning and clean the pan after.

Clean like a Mexican maid – I don’t like a dirty home. In fact, I like the opposite of dirty. I like dirtless. That does not mean you can wipe off the kitchen counter and call it a day. I need a full six hours of crawling around on the floor scrubbing it by hand, Cinderella style. Incidentally, you get extra points if you do this while wearing tiny little shorts because you have covered two items at one time. Thoroughness is mandatory and, if my crib doesn’t pass the white panties test (I don’t use a glove, I use one of your thongs to check for filth), you may go. However, if pull a framed picture off of the wall to find that you’ve dusted the nail it’s hanging on, I’m going to pop a boner, stick my tongue in your ass, and make you feel dirtier than the dirt that is no longer soiling my home.

You can make, build, craft, or create something – Can you quilt? Put up a shelf? Plant a tree? Tile the bathroom? Create jewelry? Build a deck? Sew? Tell me you can sew! Handy chicks are, well, handy. One of the only excuses for my home to be dirty when I return is because you’ve tracked in soil from the garden where you have grown me tomatos for the gourmet meal you’re going to cook before blowing me then cleaning in little shorts enticing me to fuck you then tucking me into bed and covering me with a quilt you made. See how easy I am to please.

Speaking of bed – You’re going to have to coordinate your circadian rhythm to match mine. No, this is not a form of birth control you fucking retard. Nor is it a dance technique designed to imitate cicadas. I like to go to bed at a reasonable hour and get up at a reasonable hour. If you’re a night owl it means you’re a tweaker or a whore. I know that doesn’t make any sense (I am not required to make sense), but I want to go to bed early and so shall you. When I’m prepared to snuggle and watch ‘Jon and Kate Plus 8′, you sure as hell better have your jammies on. Otherwise how are you going to be able to get up and prepare my Cream O’ Wheat? The answer is, you won’t. Your lazy ass will be too tired. Then I’ll go hungry and later, when I return home. I’ll notice that you haven’t cleaned behind the pictures and since I’m irritable from low blood sugar, I’ll be fucking pissed and you’ll have to move out. You never learn.

Now, much like my ‘Date This’ dealbreakers, the creation of this list is going to be an ongoing process. There are so many things I won’t accept about you and so many things I require that you don’t possess. It’s just not possible to dash all of your hopes in one sitting. Granted, I can crush your self esteem and make you cry in one blog, but I can’t create that pervasive feeling of hopelessness that strive to achieve. Please, be patient with me, I’m trying.

Don’t hesitate to make suggestions of things I might add to the list. Perhaps you have some special quality I should be looking for in a girl (unlikely) that you think you have (you don’t), or you’d like to sabotage the chances of other women in some clever way. By all means, add your lack of sense to my list. At least you’ll be contributing something to my life.

Above all, the important thing to remember is that I love you.

I just don’t love how you are, what you do, or the idea of ending up with you.

Hugs!

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Don’t forget to add me on Myspace and Twitter, especially if you’re a hot girl.