Last week, many of you had the privilege of reading the heart crushing list of deal  breakers in my blog, Date This. If you haven’t read that, do so now. Otherwise this list might seem too meager in comparison and I want you to understand all of the reasons you’re not good enough for me.

Bree Olson’s boobies are good enough for me, but you’re not.

You may think I’m being too selective in the quest to find my soul mate. You may think I’m setting the bar too high. You may think I’m being completely unreasonable. Trust me, that is only because you are sub-par and not deserving of my love. It’s nothing personal, nothing to be bitter about. Suicidal perhaps, but not bitter.

So let me add this first set of amendments to the BAF Constitution of Love in order for you to more fully understand how imperfect you are, and perhaps work on bettering yourself. Not that you’ll succeed, but everyone should have a goal. Here are more reasons I would never date you. Enjoy.

If you regularly go to any club and have fucked, blown, jerked off, or stalked one of the promoters. I hate to curdle your milk but you are not a “party girl”, you’re a “party favor”, like coke. The major difference being is that coke is an inanimate object and not capable of being a whore.

If most of the pictures on your profile are watermarked with the words “Napkin Nights”.

If you “blaze” anything. Smoking yourself stupid means you were already stupid but made the conscious decision to actively increase your stupidity. I’m not attracted to stupid times pi.

If you text, type or, god forbid, say “tee hee”. It makes me want to cut myself.

If your profile is covered in glittery graphics that say things like “Sexy Bitch” or “Keep Talking, You’re Making Me Famous”, or “Jealousy Doesn’t Make You Pretty”. That’s about as classy as having you and your abusive redneck boyfriends names airbrushed on a license plate with a sunset background and placing it in the rear window of your Chevy S10 pickup.

If you talk about “beating bitches down”. Exemptions apply if you can beat a bitch down, immediately pull guard, and tap her out with a triangle. In that case you are a Bad Ass chick. Double points if you look like Gina Carano. Triple points if you want me to rear naked choke you. Otherwise you’re just a ghetto-bitch wannabee.

If your status updates include a phone number and the words “Call Me Now”. I would not call that number if you possessed the last remaining vagina on Earth and I thought you’d answer.

If you have tattoos that look like they were done in prison with a dirty fork tine and the ink from a ball point pen, unless you were in prison.

If you have been in prison.

If you have ever emailed me asking “What makes you so Bad Ass?”. The answer is: My ability to resist telling you what a stupid, inane question that was.

If you have ever stated, verbally or in writing, the words “music is the soundtrack to my life”. As opposed to what, the screaming of the lambs?

If you think the way to my heart is to play hard to get, you’ve misread me and the only game we’re going to play is ‘hard to get in touch with me’. But you may develop an intimate relationship with my voicemail. The two of you will be very happy together.

If you like to blame me for all of the fucked up decisions you make. I do not cause your self hatred. I simply understand why you hate yourself. It’s so easy to do.

So there you have it. A few very reasonable additions to my little love list. With each new blog I feel I’m a step closer to finding my one true love. I know she’s out there, somewhere, just waiting to reveal herself to me so we can live together in eternal bliss.

Or at least until I find out she’s a crack whore.