A great deal of time and effort (about 4 minutes total) went into developing my list of new year’s resolutions. And after much thinking (napping), consulting with my advisors (I have no advisors), and determining my most important goals (none of these matter), I finally locked in my top to-do’s for 2009.

My issues with young chicks are on lockdown!

- I resolve to call her up, a thousand times a day, and ask her if she’ll marry me, in some old fashioned way. And by “her” I mean “no one”. Also, this entry is not plagiarized song lyrics. I literally just made it up on the spot. Needless to say, I resolve to not get married unless she is hot and very, very wealthy. No really, I promise.

- I will not date, commit to, or become involved with any girl that does not pass a thorough psychiatric evaluation, a stringent screening process, and who believes that the only thing more satisfying than not speaking at all, is not being able to speak because she’s blowing me. I also have a list of criteria and deal breakers that will be posted in an upcoming blog. Steel yourself ladies.

- I will not waste my time eating anything labeled “vegan” unless it is wrapped in bacon.

- I will have sex with strippers because if I don’t, the terrorists win. Not on my watch, Ahmed.
(Incidentally, Ahmed is my mechanic, and a very good one. I will not let him down.)

- I will blog more often because depriving the world of my genius is just fucking selfish.

- I will not let dirty strangers put their hands on my person. Don’t touch me. Don’t ever touch me.

- I will have more good hair days than anyone else in Los Angeles. I’ve done it before, I’ll do it again.

- I will verbally abuse a stranger, in public, until I see tears. Then I will apologize profusely, claiming I thought they were my former landlord and explain that he was a real dick. I will do this to a woman.

- As I walk away I will say loudly, “It was an honest mistake. Everyone with a mustache looks the same to me.”

- I will randomly change my Myspace and Facebook pages to ”In A Relationship” then post comments that say “I love you baby” to girls I’ve never met before.

-  I will update my ipod. Those two songs are getting old.

- Unlike 2008, I will have sex with a woman over the age of twenty-five. Incidentally, this one is not a joke.

- I may even have sex with a woman over 30, but I’m not making any promises.

- I’d consider having sex with a woman over 35, but the odds are against it, unless she’s hot as balls.

- Perhaps I’ll have sex with a woman over 40 and…ok, I can’t stop laughing.

- I’m gonna stir up some shit, piss some people off, and wreak havoc…like usual.

- I’m going to spank more girls and pull their hair.

- I’m going to lobby for all women to be legally required to wear these:

- And I’m going to take vitamins.

You should do the same.

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Now go sign up and follow me on Twitter. I update that bitch throughout the day with hilariously genius shit. Plus I now post random mobile pics throughout the day on both my Myspace and my Facebook. If you’re not my “friend”, you suck. (We’re not really friends)