There are so many things to be thankful for this holiday season: friends, loved ones, the economy, fat people, dollar store pop-up cardboard turkeys, the emo-fag movie Twilight, and cans of jellied cranberry sauce. It’s the season to come together, remember what we have, and try to appreciate it. Because if you don’t appreciate candied yams, the terrorists win (George W. Bush-Nov 10, 2008).

I, for one, like to spend a few quiet moments alone, naked, reflecting on what I’m thankful for…

K, I’m done.

Somebody hand me one of those napkins with the picture of a pilgrim on it. I’ve gotta clean up my um, gravy.

Happy Thanksgiving. If you need me, I’ll be stuffing that bird.

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When you finally get bored with your family this weekend, open up your laptop and read, out loud, each and every one of My Infamous Stories. From explosive diarrhea, to losing my virginity, to fucking fat chicks, I’ve lived a retarded life so you don’t have to.