“How many girls have you slept with?” she asks.

That’s like asking me to guess how many jelly beans are in a jar. A really big jar. A really big jar of really small jelly beans. Have you ever looked at an oil tanker and thought, “That’s quite a jar!” If so, then we’re on the same page with the ’jelly beans in a jar analogy’.

Seriously, how would I know, I’m not a mathematician. I don’t even wanna know. You don’t wanna know. I’m not good with estimates anyway. I’m not good with numbers. I’m particularly not good with telling you how many people I’ve slept with because I am, in fact, good with odds. And my odds of fucking you decrease considerably if I tell you how many people I’ve slept with. Because my sexual exploits don’t make you think, “BAF is a nice, attractive, sensitive guy who I want to make sweet, sweet bunny love to and share with him my precious pink lady flower, so that together we can experience the most basic, yet pleasurable, of human experiences in an intimate coupling.” They make you think

MAN WHORE!

But you’ve got it all wrong. I’m not a man whore. I didn’t have sex with all of those girls. I have uh, um, a whaddyacallit? A condition! Yeah, that’s it. I have a condition. It’s a rare form of vertigo called Erectimatic Vertigucoitus. Sometimes, I get a spontaneous erection and become so dizzy that I spin around and fall into a vagina. Repeatedly.

You believe me, right?

Fine, fuck you then. Fuck you and your judgmental judgments. Fuck you up and down the street. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. Fuck you and your hot friend, preferably at the same time. Wait, I think I was mad about something. I totally fucking forgot. Fuck.

Look, it’s simply not my fault that I had sex with so many girls. It’s their fault. More precisely, it’s their vaginas fault. Their vaginas combined with the genetic predisposition of a human male to propagate the species. If I wasn’t intended to bang so many girls, God shouldn’t have made me a binge drinking alcoholic. I am but a product of my creator!

(Insert evil Athiest laugh here)

What defines too many sexual partners? Is the definition different for a male than a female? Guys often say that they want to marry a virgin. Would a chick want to marry a male virgin? Why is there such a stigma attached to promiscuity? Does anyone out there prefer a partner with a sordid, populated past? I have the answers to these questions, but I’m not giving them up. I want your answers. And if you don’t have any, I want your questions. Together we can explore this subject and get to the bottom (and by that I mean “anal sex”) of this issue. My first question to the guys is, do you want a girl with experience in bed? And my first question to the ladies is….

Wanna fuck?