In a discussion with my friend Joni, possessor of class, intellect, and a pair of the finest breasts I have ever had the pleasure of meeting, she wondered what breakdown of character traits constituted a potentially good dating prospect. My initial thought was “50% great tits, 50% swallows”, which seemed reasonable.

Joni doesn’t want you making a mess in her vagina.

However, Joni seemed to be looking for something a little more in depth. After much frustration, the typical result of having a discussion with me, she came up with her own system of prospect percentiles. Below is the less than stellar chart of her current suitor:

Chicks are looking for different character traits than guys are, and understandably so. Regardless, her detailed list made me reevaluate my initial 50/50 split. I’ve reduced “swallowing” down to 25% as I don’t really care what you do with my load once it’s on your tongue. Swallow it, spit it out, put a little pinch between the cheek and gum…I’ll leave it to your discretion. That freed up a considerable number of points, 25% of which I reallocated to “great tits”.

Keep in mind, that still leaves 50 percentage points that I could divy up between various aspects of her personality, character, commonalities, etc. Instead, I chose to assign all 50% of the remaining points to the most important trait I could think of…

A smoking hot ass.

Truth of the matter is, I’m pretty flexible on the great tits and swallowing. So if you have a smoking hot ass, we can either assign the remaining percentage points to other character traits, or just give your ass 100% and call it a day. Now, if Joni and other fine young ladies could just use my standard of measurement, they’d see clearly that the only realistic outcome of all this is that I have a great ass. As such, they should have sex with me instead of worrying about why some other guy is only 5% forgiving and clearly lacking in the “etc” department.

I’ve got ass and etc for days.

Once again, I have single-handedly solved the female dating crisis. Greg Behrendt and Dr. Phil can pretty much blow me.

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