That’s right. I killed it. And I’d do it again if I had to…fucking orange ass motherfucker.

Halloween is a joyful time of year when friends gather together for warm apple cider. The costume clad homos parade down Santa Monica Blvd in West Hollywood, on their way to a bobbing-for-assholes party. And parents knowingly allow their children to begin a lifelong pursuit of diabetes and obesity. Everyone celebrates differently. Some will stay home and pass out apples with razor blades to the neighborhood kids. Others will go to costume parties and spend the time thinking about how clever their outfit is, in spite of the fact that four other people are also dressed as Bin Laden. But mostly, Halloween is about the kids. The little tykes will be all dressed up in plastic smocks and cheap masks that are supposed to look like Spongebob Squarepants, and do the exact opposite of “don’t take candy from strangers”. The scary holiday is all about good parenting, hoping the neighbors don’t poison your brats, and shitting peanut butter cups til election day. Not one to miss out on a good time, I still partake in a little pumpkin oriented fun this time of year.

Now, unless you’re afraid of the horror movie-esque nature of a pumpkin massacre, continue on gentle reader, and follow me down to the bloody scene of the gutting of the gourd…

Ok, so pretty much what happened is that some friends and I went to a pumpkin patch. This is how it all went down.

My two sidekicks, Jenna Von Co-Host (r) and Erin um, Von Ex-GF (l) and I arrived in the parking lot to wait for John Von Hadn’t Arrived Yet.

Smashing Pumpkinheads.

That’s going to go straight to your tiny little ass and then you’ll be sorry.

Two more coats of spray tan and we’ll be able to move undetected through the pumpkin patch.

In a rare public appearance, John, a reclusive calf model, shows us his sexy legs.

In order to feed their village, these hunters had to track and kill these vicious pumpkins. Hence the look of pride and accomplishment.

Like the soldiers at Guantanamo, Jenna Von Co-Host poses for pictures after torturing her captives. Incidentally, she did not drive away as she has no license.

As always, Bad Ass Frank does the heavy work. It’s not easy being the most powerful man on Earth.

I once fucked a girl with nipples this size.

These are either the world’s largest cocktail onions or white supremacist squash.

Oops, I accidentally included a picture of my herpes flare up.

This is the what my pumpkin looked like when I first started carving it.

This is after I turned it into pumpkin pie.

A pumpkins vagina.

Do not eat a pumpkins vagina. (Unless the pumpkin gives really good head, then you’re sorta obligated)

My ex wielding a knife. If I had a dollar for every time I was on the receiving end of that…

Pumpkin fetuses. Mmmm, salty stem cells!

Just before the hot pumpkin 3-way.

During the hot pumpkin 3-way.

Suddenly this creepy pumpkin crept in to watch and I totally lost my gourd.

The pumpkins weren’t the only ones getting down and dirty.
Can I interest you in a Snausage?

John oversees the carnal carnage whilst I appear to pick my nose.

And finally, after all the pumpkin stabbing, vegetable 3-ways, and doggy love, it was sleepy time.

All in all, a pretty successful carving party. We braved the dust at the pumpkin patch, scraped the guts from the gourds, ate their insides (and some pizza), then wandered off into dream land to have horrible nightmares of murderous orange balls striking back at us (it’s like being tea-bagged by Danny Bonaduce).

Have the pumpkins stopped screaming, Clarice?

————————————————————————

Stay tuned next week for a recap of All Hallow’s Eve.

For more scary stories, check out two of my classic blogs in the ‘I Fucked The Internet‘ Series:

I Fucked The Internet 2a- Knock Knock. Who’s There? Crazy. Crazy Who?

I Fucked The Internet 2b- Knock Knock. Who’s There? Crazy. Crazy Who?