I believe the children are our future.
Teach them well and let them lead the way.
Show them all the booty they possess inside.
Give them a special ride.

I love that song. Whitney Houston always spoke to me with her profound lyrics and crack inspired performances. A true artist.

As the Whitster was inspired by a bastardized, smokable version of cocaine, I was in turn inspired by her music. It made me want to reach out to the nations youth and touch them.

Luckily I have been blessed with an inordinate amount of knowledge, wisdom, and insight, that has not gone unnoticed by the academic world.

So they invited me to speak to college students.

Yeah, exactly. Who the fuck thought that was a good idea? Even I know better than to let me near the minds of young people. I’ve been near the minds, and every other part of young chicks on a number of occasions. That didn’t go well for anybody. Now someone thinks it’s prudent to give me a forum where I can say literally anything I want, and not only will the authority figures validate my “teachings” but they tell the students that I’m credible. The professors might as well line the girls up naked in class and let me pick. Somebody please explain the word “complicit” to the faculty.

Now what, you ask, would compel someone in the realm of higher education to invite me to speak? My charm? My wit? My stunning good looks? No, those are the characteristics I will invoke in order to have sex with the hot college girls. The academics felt that I had a unique life experiences to share with the students coupled with the ability to express them in an eloquent and informative manner.

So I find myself standing in front of a classroom filled with “kids” who’s average age is about nineteen, my target girlfriend demographic. Granted there are some older students as well but, unless they’re hot chicks, they live in a parallel universe which is invisible to me. Sorry, I firmly believe that ugly people are a glitch in the matrix and my graphics card does not recognize that file type. I will acknowledge that there are some dudes there too because well, nobody would invite me to speak at an all girls school unless it was the University of Unplanned Pregnancy and I was grading the thesis papers (which were written about me).

At this stage you’re probably wondering what exactly it is that I speak about. I won’t go into great detail but I will tell you that I’m speaking to sociology classes or, more specifically, human sexuality. I talk a lot about the fucking.

My point here is that I’m doing something I’m very good at, speaking. I’m speaking on a topic about which I’m very well versed, human sexuality. They allow me to be completely uncensored and funny, which in turn allows me to unleash my genius. I’m provided with a captive audience (tied up but no ball gags) that’s populated with attractive young women. They’ve invited me to enlighten these youngsters yet given me every tool I need to orchestrate a study grope back at BAF hall! Where did these schools get their accreditation? I hear myself talk but I don’t even know what I’m saying. All I can think is, “I am guaranteed to get some hot college poon! What about that one?”

It’s clear why I don’t teach for a living.

The fact is, I like to educate people as well as entertain them. Given the opportunity to combine the two, I’m happy as a pig in shit (sans swine flu). My issue is that there are young, attractive, nubile women distracting me from my objective. I know, I know, I simply need to overcome my natural inclinations and do something to contribute to the greater good of mankind and the future of our nation. All joking aside, I am hoping to develop a new system of learning where the very people that distract me with their vagina can gain vast amounts of knowledge and understanding…

While I’m spanking them and pulling their hair.

Get out your schoolgirl outfits ladies. Class is in session.

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Reading, writing, and anal intrusion are available all day every day by following me at www.twitter.com/badassfrank .