See, my friend Chris got himself an apartment in Georgetown (downtown D.C.) just after high school. It was a pimpin little studio right near all the cool G-town bars. Every Friday night I’d head down and spend the weekend getting hammered and trying to pick up girls. The key word being “trying”. Actually, the key word would be “failing” but that wasn’t in the sentence.

At this point, the closest I’d come to sex was a blow job. Yes, Bad Ass Frank was an 18 year old virgin. Not that I hadn’t had the opportunity to get laid when I was younger, just that I was scared. Scared of the pussy. And I hadn’t even heard the term “vagina dentata” yet. Oh, you wouldn’t have KNOWN I was scared. My cocky attitude and swagger hid that shit REAL well. But deep down I was terrified. Insecure little bastard, I was. The irony about guys who are scared to get laid is that we don’t even know what we’re scared OF. We know we jerk off to fantasies about pussy all the time. How does one masturbate to something that terrifies? I never watched Nightmare on Elm Street while whacking my pud. It all makes no fucking sense.

Anyway, my boy Chris calls me and says that these 2 girls from FL are coming up to visit. I have to head over. They’re currently in their car, somewhere around North Carolina. Chris explains to me that they’re sluts. Hey, sounds good to me! I love me a slut. Well, I’d love me a slut if they weren’t all scary and shit. They call again a few hours later to give us an update…they’re in Virginia and they’ve stopped for liquor. Ok, we have 2 drunk sluts flying up 95 to party with us. Then the kicker…they tell us they want to fuck as soon as they get there.

Jigga what?

They tell us they want to fuck as soon as they get there.

Say again.

They tell us they want to fuck as soon as they get there.

Como?

They tell us…you get the idea.

I’m down like a clown with and upside down frown…wearing brown. Man, I swear I felt like I was going to jump out of a plane (please note the skydiving reference as per my last 2 blogs…I’m very clever). These girls were ready to throw down, no questions asked. I knew Chris wasn’t a virgin and I don’t think he knew that I was. So backing out wasn’t an option. What was I gonna say? “Uh, I have a girlfriend in Canada. I don’t wanna cheat.” Riiiiiiiiiiiight. Now, there WAS one stipulation. Chris said that one of the girls, Kim, was a good friend of his. This meant that he couldn’t fuck her. So I had to take her and he’d get the other one. Like I cared. Whichever, whatever, whenever. I was finally ready. No way I was going to turn 19 and still be a virgin. Bad enough that I graduated high school as one. Now, in order to boost my courage and get ready for my first real live penis-in-vagina experience, I did what any normal, brave young stud would do. I started drinking. “Bartender, pour me some balls.” Yep, a little vodka would be just the thing to get me up, in and over my issues. Incidentally, I did not drink “a little vodka”…I drank “a lot of vodka”.

The girls arrived.

My penis and my vision were both thankful for my indulgence.

As the two girls walked in the door I thought, the fat one had better not be Kim.

The fat one was Kim.

Within 5 minutes I was fucking Kim, the fat one.

Vodka and virginity do NOT mix.

Or DO they?

The girls virtually explode into the room. They throw their shit down and make way straight for the kitchen. “Drinks, we need DRINKS!” I agree. So we mix up 4 drinks and drop down on the sofas to chit chat. Chris and Lisa on one, Kim and myself on the other. Kim looks at me, says, “You’re cute”, and straddles me shoving her tongue in my mouth.

I couldn’t have run even if I wanted to. She was too heavy.

Within one minute she’s got her top off, my pants off and is blowing me. Suddenly she went from being a big girl to being the hottest girl I’d ever met. The girls who gave me the lame ass tentative bj’s in high school had NOTHING on this bitch. She was fucking going for it.

Now, the way Chris had his apartment set up was odd. Since it was an efficiency (or single), he had 2 sofas in the living room/bedroom. One was a hide-a-bed pushed back against a wall. The other sat opposite to it but was a few feet from the wall behind it. Between the back of the sofa and the wall Chris had put a twin bed mattress that he slept on. This was his version of privacy. So Kim jumps over the back of the sofa and basically pulls me over. 10 seconds later we’re both naked and she’s riding me. Woooo hoooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Keep in mind, I have just lost my virginity. Granted, I’m drunk on a dirty mattress, behind a sofa with 2 other people a few feet away and a fat girl on top of me, but I’m PSYCHED! This was nothing to be scared of! Well, if I’d thought about the situation I’d have realized that the whole fucking thing was scary but hey, the SEX was nothing to be scared of! Vagina is nice. I like vagina. More vagina please. FRANK WANTS MORE VAGINA! MORE! MORE! MORE!

I love vagiiiina,
Oh yes I do.
I love vagiiiina,
Oh yes it’s true.
When it’s not near me,
I’m blue.
Vagiiina I love you!

Shit, you should hear the song I wrote when I discovered anal.

Suddenly I go from being the scared virgin dork to pornstar extraordinaire. We fuck behind the couch then get up and fuck on the fold out bed. Then I fuck her in the dining room. Then the kitchen. Then again on the fold out bed NEXT to Chris and Lisa who are also fucking. Chris and I hi-5 each other the entire time. Fucking RULES! Then I fuck her in the shower. Lisa comes in to pee and Chris walks in to stick his dick in her mouth. I reach out and we hi-5. We fuck everywhere and every which way and just had a pretty goddamn fucking-fuck-fuck-a-thon. FUCK YEAH!

And on the 7th day, he rested.

Once we got tired all of us sat around and started drinking more. I’m silently toasting my sexual prowess on my first night as a MAN! Just sitting on the sofa my dick started to get hard again. I’m hammered and it’s time to up the ante. I grab Kim by the hand and drag her OUT the apartment door. She is 100 percent naked and I’m wearing nothing but a long button up shirt. We hit the stairs and moments later we’re on the roof of the building overlooking K Street in Washington DC. If the building were higher I’d be able to see the White House AND the Capital dome. But all I can really see is traffic below. So I did what any self respecting citizen of the United States of America would do…

I fucked her doggy style over the edge of the building.

At this point I’m ready to stand on the ledge of the building and scream, “I’m king of the world”…and this was long before Titanic. Speaking of Titanic, my mood sunk slightly when we got cold. Ok, this was fun but it’s time to go back in. Actually, I could really use some water and some sleep. So we head back toward the apartment but…um, is the door to come in off the roof locked? Are we locked on the roof? Naked. I am locked on the roof of an apartment building on K Street naked with a fat girl. WHAT THE FUCK! In my drunken state I’d never thought to check the door to see if it locked automatically. Oh, and did I mention that it’s about 2am? Yeah, sweet huh? I bang on the door for a while and when that doesn’t magically open it I start calling over the edge of the building hoping that, 4 floors below, Chris isn’t sleeping or fucking or doing anything other than sitting by his window wondering if I’m going to call for him cuz I’m trapped on the fucking roof. No such luck. I did have SOME luck as the door did magically open moments later. If by “magically” I mean that some total stranger from within the building was woken up by my drunken yelling and came to let us back in. How awkward do you think I felt riding an elevator with a naked fat girl I’d just given my virginity to and some strange guy I’d just woken up at 2am screaming from the roof of his building. To top it all off, all I’m wearing is a button up that does nothing to hide my erection. Yes, I’m still hard. I was EIGHTEEN for chrissakes. My dick could stay hard for 2 days. Now I need a 12 pack of Viagra, three 21 year old girls and periodic naps to accomplish that.

After the elevator ride of shame we go in to wake up Chris and Lisa. Now everyone is hungry and Chris says he’ll go pick up some food. Kim decides that she’s going with him and that’s fine with me. I’m starting to sober up and realizing that she’s not the supermodel I saw in my mind’s eye. Chris picks a diner and we give him our order. Just before they leave he pulls me aside and says, “Don’t fuck around with Lisa while I’m gone.” See, he knows he’s got the cute one and I’m stuck with the fat one cuz she’s his friend. So he doesn’t want me moving in on his action. No problem dude. I just lost my virginity and ONLY because she attacked me. It’s not like she fucked some game into me. I’ll probably fall asleep in 2 seconds after you leave. I don’t say this though, I just say, “No problem,” and they leave.

Lisa is naked on the fold out bed. I’m on the other sofa. We chat for about 10 minutes and then she says, “Where’s that diner?” I explain that it’s almost all the way in Maryland so they should be a while. She smiles and tells me that she would have rather been with me instead of Chris but the Chris-Kim friendship prevented that. I’m flattered and simply say, “Um, me too.”
Lisa says, “Come here”

Jigga what?
Say again.
Como?

I go over to the bed and she grabs me, sticking her tongue down my throat. It suddenly occurs to me that I’ve just lost my virginity and now I’m going to have sex with a second girl the same night AND she’s cute. I am the mack-fucking-daddy. Who’s the P.I.M.P. up in this motherfucker? Me, that’s who. So we make out for a bit and she pulls my boxers off. I’m over her and just sliding the tip of my cock into her soft wetness when…

“WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?”

Chris had gone to a different diner just blocks away.

Oops.

So I lost my virginity and experienced my first cock blocking on the same night. I guess I deserved it for being so greedy and starting to fuck the girl Chris was with..but hey, he stuck me with the fat one. Needless to say, this would not be the only time I fucked a fat girl, tried to fuck someone I shouldn’t OR got cock-blocked.

But it was the only time I lost my virginity. And I’ll never forget it.