On Tuesday I posted the first of my new Mythfuckers series. If you haven’t read it go check out She’s Cute But… and come back.

So now, on to the second line of bullshit that many of you women may have heard from your significant other. It’s a pretty common one and makes even less sense to say than the first, but say it they do.

MYTH 2: “You are the most beautiful girl I have ever seen.”

The fact that you might even have allowed for this to be true shows that you lack self awareness on so many levels. First and foremost, you should realize that I passed a chick standing at the bust stop this morning who’s at least ten times hotter than you. Not to mention the neighbors wife, my third cousin, most of the women in movies and television, all the girls at my gym and, on a good day, your mom. All way prettier than you. That’s not to say that you’re not gorgeous, you may be a stone cold stunner. But I’ve had sex with you a million times and looked at you day in and day out, so now you register on the love/lust/affection scale just above my dog—most of the time. Don’t feel bad. This is the natural law of attraction. I think you’re the most beautiful girl in the world when I first decide I want to have sex with you and often even during that first intercourse. Your half life after that isn’t so promising. The good news is that, for every day that passes, while my love for your looks depreciates exponentially, there is a guy lusting after you who thinks you look like this:

While I’m beginning to see you like this:

The lamp is pretty sexy though.

The aforementioned fella is very likely the one you’ll turn to when you realize that the reason I look so surprised when I cum is cuz I open my eyes to discover you’re not the girl I was fantasizing about. Somehow your waning attractiveness make me the asshole. As if it’s my fault. So you can just rebound, er, move on to him, and start your decline anew. This rewarding cycle will continue until you’re in your thirties and settle for a guy that couldn’t have gotten you when you were younger. Hey, I don’t want you to feel bad about the way you look. You are beautiful and it’s not that I don’t appreciate you, it’s just that I appreciate someone else more. I love driving my car but I would rather fuck the car that lives across the street. You understand, right? It’s the way I’m built because I am a man.

After the last post a few ladies wrote to me asking why I was trying to burst their bubble, take away their hope that good guys existed, or ruin their delusional fantasy world where everything their man said was honest and from the heart, but that’s not my goal. Well, maybe it is, but you’re missing the other point. It’s that I’m honest with you, even when no one else will be. I want you to know the truth so you can be clear of mind when you hear something sweet from your dude and be able to decide whether to say, “Thank you baby, that makes me the happiest girl in the world”, or to scream, “You’re a big fat fucking liar and a dirty pig and I hate you so go to hell and die!” Love is blind, but I’m removing the blindfold. In reality, you shouldn’t be chastising me, you should be thanking me. Preferably with dinner, a movie, and sex. It’s the only way to repay me for being so giving of the truth that most men withhold. Hell, I’m practically a feminist.

There you have it. Myth numero dos, totally fucked. Was it good for you?

NOTE: It appears that the note on my first Mythfuckers installment might have scared off the few brave ladies who were going to attack me or perhaps offer their “Women do the same thing to men” diatribe. As much as I hate when people try to steal my audience by blogging in my blog comments, go for it. Just understand that I will pull no punches in a blog battle. Fuck with me at your own risk. Hugs!