in the spriiiiingtime.
Nothin’ could be tighter than your twatty when I tap it on the moooorning.

The clocks are set forward, spring is in the air and your pussy is really, really big.

No seriously, it’s huge.

I’m on a mission to change the world. See, for years men having been living under the false assumption that penis size matters. That the sexual gratification of the female is dependent solely upon our bulk. That our manhood is somehow defined by the dimensions of, well, our manhood. I’m here now to dismiss, dispel and disperse that heinous rumor. To set you free from the psychosexual encumbrance that the ovary-producing population has burdened you with from adolescence causing you to skip showers after gym class. I will lead you and your junk to the promised land where slavery is abolished, women can vote (except for on size/girth), and your phallus is free from proportional judgement.

I am the Moses of penis.

(Insert ‘Parting of the pink lips’ joke here, but lube it up first.)

The size of your unit gentlemen, in and of itself, does not matter. What matters is how it fits together with the particular vagina into which you’ve inserted it. It’s supposed to be a nice, close fit, for the mutual pleasure of both participants in the fucky fucky (scientific term for ‘act of procreation’). Sometimes, however, it is not as snug as a bug in a rug, and we take the blame. But no more, my friends, no more. From this day forward, I profer up the truth…

Bitch has a cavernous vagina.

That’s right ladies. From here on out, girth does matter. Your girth. The circumference of your poontang, your love canal, your baby-hole. If it ain’t tight, it ain’t right. And that’s not my fault, it’s yours. My penis size is average, so you must have an awfully loose pussy.

***
‘average’ will hereby be referred to as ‘perfect’ and is defined as anything between the size of a Tic Tac and a banana. Any penis larger than a banana is an anomoly and will be surgically modified to an acceptable ‘average’, preferably on the lower end of the scale (Not because I’m envious or feel inadequate, but because I make the laws and I think it’s very reasonable of me.)

***

A new curriculum will be introduced, starting in the sophomore year of high school, adding kegel classes to educational institutions across America (and any Asian country that has those cute schoolgirl uniforms). In addition, graduation criteria will now include a mandatory “Vaginal Strength” exam administered by a male teacher of average size in a controlled, laboratory setting.

(Professor Bad Ass with the pipe in the library!)

That’s right ladies, your OBAF-GYN is on duty and taking aim at your patootie. You get to be insecure and neurotic about your bodies in a whole new way. Small breasts? Big ass? Pshaw. Now you’re really in for it.

You’ll feel as men feel when they first see a Magnum condom, and realize their only use for it would be as a freezer bag for a pork tenderloin.

You’ll discover a new level of shame when you buy a box of Tampax and a strange woman scoffs as she picks up her new Q-Tip sized maximum absorbancy tampons.

Every time you purchase a nice car, or piece of jewelry, or do anything that threatens somebody elses weak self esteem they’ll say, “Overcompensating for something?”, while making a giant circle with their arms.

Yes! It’s only a matter of time before someone invents a vaginal constrictor and it’s selling at every sex store in America. I myself have a patent pending on Vagtyte, a new supplement pill to give you a ‘Pinhole of confidence’. Works instantly. 30-day supply with a money back guarantee if your man isn’t satisfied! Don’t be the butt of another “Can we go swimming in your pool?” joke when you don’t have a pool! Let the neighbors husband go spelunking while yours has to drill a well. There Will Be Blood ladies!

Ok, I think my work is done here. Gentleman, prepare to wield your weiners with confidence, no matter what the size. Starting today it’s not you, it’s them. Them and their massively oversized cunt!

TWAT DID YOU SAY?

That’s right, I said it. If you don’t like it, perhaps you feel a little self concious because:
A) You are one
B) Yours is huge
C) Both A and B

Fellas, any guesses?

Ladies, I don’t want you to feel like this is an attack on your and your beautiful femininity. I’m quite certain that many of you out there have very nice, taught little tunnels of love that are perfectly acceptable. On the other hand, some of you might not be sure. Some of you might be panicking, wondering if you should ask a friend, sneak a peak in the locker room, or Google “average vagina size”, and see how you fit in. Trust me, none of those will alleviate your fears and insecurities. None of those will totally put you at ease and give you the confident, airtight feeling you know a man loves. There is only one surefire test to determine if you have, in fact, a snappy snapper or a loosey goosey…

me.

I am widely known as the definitive source for vaginal testing with an unparalleled level of expertise. Not only do I have vast experience in all manner of vagina, but I fit perfectly within the realm of what I’ve defined as ‘average’. So you can be certain that whatever judgement I give your hooha, it’s official.

Apply via comment below.

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If you enjoyed this please check out parts 2 and 3 of the series:

A Penny For Your Twats and the final installment, Parking In The Rear.