So, my close personal friend, we’ll call her “Angel” (but only cuz her real name is Angela and I want to protect her identity), calls me and asks for a ride to the Pleasure Chest. She’s in desperate need of some sex toys. I can understand those who have an affinity for sex toys or even a strong desire for sex toys. But a desperate need? I suppose some chicks are just hornier than others. Maybe that explains why she’s in the um, “Pleasure Fulfillment Industry.” Yeah, she likes to bone. So she bones for money. It’s a valid career choice, not a reflection on her character. I get very irritated at people who are judgmental toward others based on meaningless things like their job or how many people they’ve slept with. Aren’t you supposed to like people based on whether they have a good heart and how they treat you? Not sure? I do. If you’re nice to me I don’t really give a shit about anything else. You can be a doctor, a hooker, a chef, a porn star, a charity worker, a stripper or a fucking nun. As long as you’re nice to me then hey, you’re my friend. Just remember to tell me cool stories about shit that happened at work. “Frank, this guy had a crooked penis and he totally shot sideways today. It was so funny….” I’m all about it.

I pose this question:

Who’s a better person:
A kind-hearted, caring, do-anything-for you hooker
Or
A priest that molests little kids?

I mean, it can’t POSSIBLY be the hooker right? She’s a HOOKER for Christ’s sake! He’s a PRIEST! A man of GOD. He must be a better person!

Get my point? (ok, granted I’m an atheist but is that relevant to my story? No. Of course none of that rant was relevant to my “shopping-for-sex-toys” story but fuck you. It’s MY story)

Anyway, we go to the friggin Pleasure Chest. Have you ever taken a kid into a Toys R Us? If so, you know the reaction I got when we walked into the sex shop. As a good friend I followed her around and laughed at her. Ok, I took a break to flirt with the super cute little tattooed girl that works there but other than that I acted like a good porn-assistant and carried her shit. My arms were laden with the following:

One extra large jar of lube
One standard issue butt plug
One butt plug shaped like a devils tail
One rotating vibrator with anal stimulator
One extra large double sided dildo
One standard set of anal beads
One standard issue 7 inch fake cock
Something for your ass that I won’t even describe
Some leather thing that I CAN’T describe
And finally a beautiful glass dildo that comes with it’s own velvet case
Who NEEDS all this shit? Seriously. And just before she got rung up she turns to me and says, “Get anything you want. It’s on me.”

Fuck, I forgot my list. Um, there must be something I needed. What was it…
A fake vagina with bonus ass hole? (feels like the real thing!)
A penis pump? (Lord knows I NEED it. I just ain’t buyin it)
Anal beads? (wait, couldn’t I borrow hers…uh, NO)
A giant rubber fist? (what the FUCK are you gonna DO with that?)
A cock ring? (ouch)
A riding crop? (hmmmm, now we’re talking. Who wants a beating?)

Ok, so I decide to wait for next trip for my present.

While being rung up by the really friendly gay guy with a Mohawk who LOVED my tattoos (no shit, really? I could NEVER have guessed that) a little 50 something lady was staring at vibrators next to the register. She wore a baseball hat and sunglasses and just looked WAY uncomfortable. When she asked the clerk which one he recommended my friend Angel simply raised her hand as if to say, “Relax. Let an expert handle this.” Angel walked over, put her arm around the woman’s shoulder and promptly schooled her on the finer points of purchasing invasive sex toys. I feigned interest in some nearby ball gags so as not to make the lady any more self conscious than she already was but rest assured that this little scene had 100% of my attention. The woman learned about size, texture, vibration and rotation, clitoral stimulation and anal penetration. That’s a lot of “ions” to learn but she learned em. And she learned em good. She was so thankful I thought she was going to cry. By the time she was ready to purchase she’d gained a new attitude about sex toys. I have to give Angel credit, she made this woman feel VERY good about her decision. Ok, she ALMOST scared her off by suggesting she buy a butt plug but hey, when you have an enthusiastic student you’re always hoping they’ll do the extra credit work, no? So gay-mohawk-guy rang up our untold hundreds of dollars worth of sex toys. As we walked to the car I was exhausted. Sensory overload. I suggest we go get coffee but Angels begs, “Please, just one more stop?” Being the friend that I am I reluctantly agree. 10 minutes later I’m sitting on a sofa in a store called Trashy Lingerie watching my porn-pal try on slutty Holly Hobby and Little Bo Peep outfits. I need a nap.

I will not even tell you about my phone call the next day describing the “trying out” of the toys.

Bad Ass n’ Butt plugs.

Frank

P.S. She went with the Goldilocks outfit.