St. Valentine’s Day Massacre
By Bad Ass Frank on Feb 14, 2008 in Dating BAF-style
Today, when you’re spending your portion of the estimated 17 billion dollars that will be wasted on Valentine’s Day gifts, ask yourself one question….
What’s in it for Bad Ass Frank?
If the answer is “nothing”, put that wallet away, pull out your cell phone and dump whoever you’re seeing, dating, hanging out with, married to, having an online relationship with, meeting later from Craigslist, blowing, stalking, grudge fucking, co-dependent upon or paying bills for while they emotionally abuse you and make me a card. Because I’ll appreciate it. See, I don’t require much in the way of romance. Not because I’m not romantic, but because I don’t put a monetary value on love.
NOTE: Love and sex are two totally different things. I do put a monetary value on sex but my rates are negotiable. Occasionally I even go on sale.
Here’s a list:
2) A threesome with your best friend. I’m not sure I even have to explain this one. If you love me you’ll feel secure in the fact that, although I would rather have dated her, I was drunk and took you home that night. So we’re together and I’m happily committed to denying my attraction to her. The least you could do is let me fuck her. I’m even flexible on the threesome thing if, for personal reasons, you prefer not to be there at all.
3) A threesome with your sister. Same as above only you are related to the girl I want to have sex with.
4) Anal sex. Yes, I know you say it hurts, and that you don’t like it, and blah fucking blah. But we both know you’re lying and that your last boyfriend and his roommate put it in your butt every time you got wasted. Don’t worry, I’ll go slow and pretend right along with you that you’re suffering through it. Now, if you’re not one of those girls who minds, that means we’re probably already doing it. If that’s the case, please see number 5 on the list.
5) A threesome with your best friend and your sister.
6) Herpes. Look, I don’t really want herpes. But it’s definitely a unique gift and one that I’ll never forget. Besides, once you’ve given it to me I can stop worrying about getting. And I can stop feeling guilty for giving you chlamydia.
Which I got from your sister.
7) A month off from you.
An awesome blow job every day for a month.
9) An awesome blow job every day for a month followed by a month off from you.
10) All of the above.
See how easy it is to please me? I’m an old fashioned romantic that just wants to be loved. Nothing more, and definitely nothing less. Now, the only other thing I’ll say is that, if you happen to be a fine young lady that’s career minded and successful, I have a completely different list. And anything less than leather upholstery, a boomin’ system and chrome wheels is an insult and we are through.
So, what do you guys want for Valentine’s Day?
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