The first rule of Fight Club is…You do not try to fight the entire club all at once.

Clearly, I don’t follow rules very well.

It was New Years Eve either in 1995 or 1996, I can’t recall. Or I’m just trying to block out the trauma of the night. Who knows? I’m out with Big Kev and our respective dates.

FUN FACT 1- Kevin’s date was my ex-girlfriend of 5 years, Courtney. My date was Courtney’s best friend, Stephanie. I had introduced Court and Stef when Court and I were still together. Stef had been dating my friend Marco. Stef and Marco stopped dating about the same time I broke up with Courtney. Courtney and Kevin started dating and then shortly thereafter, Stef and I started dating. Later on Stef and I would get married and move to California where I would divorce her. END FUN FACT 1.

ADDENDUM TO FUN FACT 1- Stephanie, my ex wife, was the ex girlfriend of my friend and now business partner, Tricky. I met him through her. END ADDENDUM

So the 4 of us go to a local entertainment area that has a number of bars and restaurants. We spend our NYE eating, drinking and being fucking merry at a place called Cin Cin. A good time and plenty of drinks were had by all. The clock struck twelve, we rejoiced and celebrated the demise of the passing year, along with the birth of a new 365 days on the calendar. 2 hours later the bar closed and it was time to return home, make sweet love and dream our little dreamies. Things did not go exactly as planned.

As we move toward the exit of the large entertainment complex, Kevin and I are walking a few paces ahead of the girls. We hear a mild ruckus behind us and turn back. Some drunk guy is accosting our ladies. Rather than act like tough guys and confront him, we leave Courtney to bust his balls and put him in his place. Having both dated her, we know she’s quite capable of making you feel like an asshole. But this guy is very persistent and finally one of us says something like, “dude, be cool and leave em alone.” Suddenly he perks up, looks at us at starts moving in our direction. He was being aggressive, fists clenched, and a menacing look on his face. Neither Kev nor I was overly concerned. Both of us are the types to laugh off a confrontation and keep the peace. Hell, we’ll buy you a beer before we fight you. On the other hand, if you insist on beef, let’s just get down to business. No arguing, no name calling, no pushing and shoving. So once this guy broke through the radius of our “personal space” one thought occurred to me…

Light’s out.

Kevin hit the guy so hard that he actually elevated off the ground. But he didn’t stay elevated for long. He hit the floor so quickly it seemed like the floor had actually come up to meet him halfway. I actually giggled a little bit. Kevin didn’t even think anything of it. No aggression, no animosity. We were threatened by someone and he disposed of the threat. No need to belabor the issue. It was simply time to go home. As I turned to walk away my peripheral vision caught a flash of movement. BAM!

Some guy sneaks Kevin from behind and catches him right in the corner of his eye. He drops to one knee. Now let me just say that this motherfucker hit Kevin HARD, from behind, and in the corner of his eye, next to his temple. Kevin STILL didn’t hit the ground. He is one strong sumbitch. The fact that he was even NEAR the ground worried me. At that moment I came to the realization that these guys, along with quite a few others, were all here together. Kevin and I were alone. This was going to be a problem. I should just pick up my boy and head home. Otherwise we’re going to have an altercation with a large group of people. But this guy had just sucker punched my best friend.

I’ve never hit anyone so hard in my life.

G’night.
Sweet dreams.
Rock a bye baby.
You’re done.
Finished.
Finito.
Can anyone say nap time?
Consequences? What do I care for consequences? I’m Frank bee-yatch. Recognize. The reality of it is that you will not attack my friends. Because if you do I will retaliate with extreme malice. My feeling on the subject can be summed up quite nicely with this excerpt from the script of Pulp Fiction:

‘The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides with the iniquities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and good will shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon those with great vengeance and with furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know that my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.”

FUN FACT ..2- I was wearing a blue button up shirt and a black pullover sweater vest. Yes, I said SWEATER VEST. At the time I was not referring to myself as “Bad Ass” in any way, shape or form. You are NOT tough when wearing a sweater vest. It takes away all of your powers. END FUN FACT ..2

Kevin’s guy is out cold, my guy is out cold and Kevin is recovering slightly. Personally, I’m feeling pretty fucking good right about now. There are 4 people involved in the fight and I’m the only one who hasn’t been hit. Inside my brain is an imaginary celebration in which I stand, arms raised in triumph, centered in a boxing ring in Vegas. The announcer grabs the mic and announces to the crowd, “Bubba, he hit me”.

Screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeech!

“Who’s Bubba?” I think.

I heard them coming before I actually saw them. It sounded like a fucking stampede. As the ground shook from all the people running I looked up to see a group of guys swarm in on me.

“Uh oh!” I think.

(At this point in the story you’ll notice that I’m doing a lot of “thinking”. It may occur to you, kind reader, that both Kevin and I should have done a bit more of the thinking PRIOR to this. You are absolutely correct. Then again, it wouldn’t be much of a story.)

The punches didn’t even hurt. I’m very seriously considering the decision to fight back but there are so many of them. How many, I’m not sure, but a lot. I can tell because I’m being pummeled from all angles. Oddly, I’m not feeling the same sense of elation I felt a few minutes ago. THEN, I was the only guy who hadn’t been hit. Now I was the only guy not throwing a punch. This actually kinda sucks. Luckily, I did figure out one defensive move which was to back up into the wall. Hey, at least there it takes away one entire area of my body they can’t attack. So I’m backed up against a wall while these guys beat me about my head, face, ribs, stomach. I think one of them actually kicked me in the shin. At some point I slip and hit the ground.

Smooth move Ex-lax.

These guys must have been a soccer team cuz they could all kick pretty fucking hard. It’s funny, cuz I am not scared at this point and not really in pain. I can hear Courtney and Stef screaming in the background and the only thought in my mind is, “I hope Kevin is okay.” I was concerned because I know there could be 100 guys beating me to death and Kevin would be fighting his way through the crowd to help. But I just sense that he’s not around. Worried, I decide to get up and find out where he’s gone.

Word of advice: When numerous people are kicking you, DON’T take your hands away from your FACE YOU FUCKING RETARD! The second I moved my hand someone kicked me in the eye.

Ooh, that smarts.

I’m being kicked in my head, my face, my ribs, my legs and, of course, my arms. All I can think now is damn, aren’t these guys getting TIRED yet? Well, apparently the answer was yes cuz they finally stopped. As I realize they’re done playing hacky sack with my testicles I jump up. Courtney and Stef are there crying and the first words out of my mouth are, “Where’s Kevin?” One of the girls says through a wall of tears, “They took him outside.”

I guess it’s time to go outside.

I run toward the doors looking hard as fucking nails, like a total bad ass. Cuz nothing screams BAD ASS like a guy all beat up in a sweater vest.
(now I realize that I deserved to be beaten BECAUSE I was wearing a sweater vest)

As I burst out the door I see a crowd to my right. In the middle of that crowd is Kevin, arms out in front of him trying to explain to the mob, “It wasn’t me.” To this day I wonder how many times Kevin has tried that one.

Kevin, did you buy a Mazda Miata, put 3,000 miles on it, drive it in the rain with the top down and then return it to the dealer having never paid one red cent?

It wasn’t me.
————————————————–
Kevin, did you sell cable TV, never actually work, spend all of your time smoking weed and yet still make more money than anyone else?

It wasn’t me.
————————————————
Kevin, did you bang that stripper? And all of her friends.

It wasn’t me.
————————————————
You get the idea.

Now Kevin is basically confusing the crowd with his Jedi Mind Trick…”I am not the negro you’re looking for” and the crowd is starting to believe him. Particularly the one big guy in the front. He’s DYING to believe Kevin. Cuz the big guy’s friends are pushing him to fight and he’s looking kinda worried that Kevin is gonna crush him. So he’s ready to believe in Kev’s innocence. I push around so I can get beside Kevin figuring that at least we can stand back to back now and throw down. Not necessarily a brilliant tactical decision but keep in mind I’ve just experienced massive head trauma. My wits are not at their sharpest. Suddenly a fight breaks out and PRAISE MOTHAFUCKIN JEEEEZUS, we’re not in it. The crowd turns it’s attention away from the Dumb-namic Duo to watch and/or participate in the melee.

Kevin looks at me, “Nigga, let’s go.” We bolt toward the cab line and there’s Stef waiting with a taxi. We jump in trying to keep our heads down so no one notices us and resumes the lynching. The problem is that Courtney has gone back inside to enlist the bouncers for help. It’s a nice thought but a tad bit too late as we’ve already sustained a number of casualties (meaning us) and just want to retreat, escape, vamoose, exit and get the fuck out. Finally we see her running toward us. She leaps in the car and we prepare to exit. About this time some little weasel of a guy literally jumps in the window, across the girls laps and gets in Kevin’s face yelling, “You motherfucker!” As Kevin cocks back to end this guy’s night Courtney screams, “Don’t you DARE!” knowing full well that will get us dragged from the vehicle and killed. The guy squirms back out the window and starts yelling, “They’re in here!”

In case you’re wondering, the night wasn’t going that well.

FUN FACT ..3- At the time, I owned a local gym called Ultimate Fitness. The driver of our taxi happened to be a member of my gym. He was also a 400 pound dark skinned black man straight out of Africa. He liked me. He liked my friends and he LOVED his cab. END FUN FACT ..3

A large group of guys moved toward the vehicle and just as they got close our driver jumps out (all 6 feet, 400 lbs), throws his hands in the air and screamed, “GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY CAB!”

I’ve got a joke for you.

How many 400 pound black guys does it take to scare an entire mob of suburban white kids?

Precisely.

The crowd backs away our driver gets back in the cab and takes off. We’re in the back seat and we’re all crying. The girls are distraught, scared, beside themselves. Kevin and I are in tears too.

Because we’re laughing so hard.

All we keep saying is, “That was hilarious.”

As we’re exiting the parking lot there are dozens of cop cars flying in, lights on, sirens blasting. I look back over my shoulder and behind me I witness what Kevin and I started…at least 100 people are in a huge battle outside the doors to the complex. Individuals, groups, girls, security…you name it. All throwing down. The police pour out of their vehicles in full force, ready to start making arrests.

Kevin and I lose our minds. We’re in such hysterics that the girls go from being scared and crying to just being mad at us. We do not care. We’ve just taken the worst beating of our entire lives and it was totally worth it. Our actions set off what was probably the biggest fight Montgomery County has ever seen. An excellent job if you ask me. All in a night’s work. No autographs please. Just throw money.

Kevin’s eye is so swollen that it looks like somebody glued a golf ball to his eyebrow. I am bleeding and have so many bruises, bumps and contusions that it looks like I threw myself down a flight of stairs…repeatedly.

We go home, clean ourselves up, cover our bodies in ice and hit the sack. Completely content in the knowledge that we are the ultimate troublemakers. We’re also content in knowing that we are fearless, tough and unbreakable. And no matter what you throw at us you can’t stop our shine. Can’t wipe the smile from our faces. Can’t keep us from laughing. Because goddamnit, we can have fun doing ANYTHING. Even taking a beating!

But the greatest satisfaction is in knowing the real reason that this happened. We were protecting each other. It does not matter if the odds are against you. It does not matter that you can’t win. It does not matter the consequences. What matters is that you face it together, side by side, because there is something that has value far beyond your own personal safety. Something that means more than self preservation. Something that takes precedence above and beyond any possible outcome.

Friendship.

So have a good laugh at our expense. We took a licking and kept on ticking. It is one of our fondest memories and one of our finest moments. That day will live forever in infamy and shall always been known as…

The Battle of New Year’s Eve. (aka Kev and Frank’s Excellent Adventure)

But the real moral of this story can be summed up in one of my favorite quotes:

The difficulty is not so great to die for a friend, as to find a friend worth dying for.
Homer (800 BC – 700 BC)

Kevin is that kind of friend.