In an effort to find true love, I’ve gone into the laboratory that is Craigslist and begun the process of developing the perfect formula for romantic success. Below is the first mixture that I concocted and some of the results. It’s become clear to me that this won’t be a simple process.

Friday, Sept 18, Evening

MY POST:

Subject: Smart. Hot. Funny. Any Questions?

Let’s get right to it. I’m going to need you to cook like a chef, clean like a Mexican, and be very very quiet most of the time. However, when you do speak I prefer you to be extremely witty so that I burst into hysterical laughter at whatever you say. In lieu of that I’ll accept something profoundly intelligent and/or a request to orally pleasure me. As far as sex is concerned, don’t have been a whore. In fact, the closer you are to virginal, the closer you’ll be to me. Just be prepared to discover your sexuality and the spanking tolerance of your ass cheeks within the privacy of my own home. I say “my” home because at no point are you likely to live there unless you are capable of paying the entire monthly rent, in which case start packing. As I live in a 3bdr/2ba apartment at the beach you’d better have a good job to pull that one off. Speaking of jobs, make sure you have one. If you’re prepared to claim that you’re an actress you’d better also be prepared to demonstrate that acting has paid your bills for a minimum of 12 consecutive months because if not, you’re a waitress. Consider this fair warning, I am not cheap to date. Be an earner.

I’m 39 but I look about 30. You can be 30 but only if you look about 22. If not, be about 22. If you’re 19 I’ll overlook a lot of the other requirements but only if you’re a hot 19. I work out regularly and eat well. I don’t care if you live off of Big Macs if you look like you’re physically fit. No gut rolls. No cheese thighs. No giant ass. And if you have a gut roll you shouldn’t even have time to date. You should be alternating between running and running faster until your belly button turns into an outtie. If you appear to have a frequent diner card from Old Country Buffet assume that I would ridicule you to the point of cutting.

Drugs and alcohol are fine…if you’re a drug addict or an alcoholic. I am neither. Don’t be worthless. Thanks.

I have tattoos so it’s acceptable for you to also have tattoos unless they’re stupid, are a guys name, or look like you won “Best Inked Mama” at your local trailer park block party.

If you’re illiterate please hesitate to write to me for your own emotional well being. See, I care about you already.

I have mostly female friends because I’ve slept with a lot of girls and then befriended them. If you have mostly guy friends you’re a slut.

The first date will be during the day so I can see you in the glaring honesty of the sun. If you’re wearing a clown mask of makeup I will leave you sitting at Coffee Bean faster than you can say Sephora. The good news is I won’t try to fuck you at Coffee Bean so your attempts at pretending to be chaste are safe for our initial meeting. The second date will cost you more than coffee and you’d best be prepared to swallow if you’re to get anywhere with me in the future.

I’m a romantic at heart so you may text me <3 after the first date but only once. Beyond that it’s stalking and I’ll have to take measures.

Please wow me with your opening email otherwise anticipate that I’ll unceremoniously delete it without so much as blinking. You’d be best served to include one or more photos or a link to a page where I can see them. If the photos are blurry, postage stamp sized, or have six chicks in them then you’re hiding something and I don’t like liars. If you link me to a FB page and it turns out to be private, you’re simply retarded.

I will find true love and I expect that it’s going to happen this weekend. Will it be you? (doubt it)

Click below to read the responses…

REPLY 1 (Our conversation)

HER:
Just want to thank you for entertaining me to no end..LOLLOLOL i laughed too hard..
i particularly loved the part of “you better have a job/be prepared to pay the rent” and “in which case, start packing” hilarious!
if you had any guy friends you should be their hero right?
you better be making a living writing stuff for at least HBO. or Maxim magazine!
I now you’re to XX for Two And A Half Men, but not  too far…Anyway, good luck finding your victim, for now i just want to say you’re the funniest dickhead/asshole i have ever read/seen..
And that’s a compliment!
Good luck!
Lady Annabela

ME:
So no making out?

HER:
i’m not submissive

ME:
Only submissives make out? Weird.
So a Twix and a handjob are out of the question I suppose. Sigh.

HER:
look “bad ass” i didn’t say that “only submissive make out” so now you’re not sounding as smart as you diatribe post..
i said i’m not a submissive because you post describes a woman who’s submissive
that’s MY opinion, MY perception and basically the one that counts for me..
the word weird does not belong in MY vocabulary…but what a surprise, you use it just like any other lame LA himbo..
now,  had fun with your post i wrote you to compliment you, sexually you’re not my type in the least and i didn’t engage you likewise..
so, know your place and crawl back to you venice slum pad
HAHA take your own medicine a-hole
and don’t waste your time, your next email will go straight to spam you rude psycho

Reply 2 (Our Conversation)

HER:
Wow!  Watch out.  You don’t want to end up being one of those old lonely, grumpy men.

ME:
So we’re not going to make out?

HER:
We can make out is how you manage to get women like this.  It’s wild!

ME:
Women love my charm.

Reply 3 (and her pics)

HER:
Wow.  I honestly think this post is a complete joke. But if that photo is really you and you really mean what you say then you take the cake for one of the biggest misogynist ever known to Man.  In fact youdon’t need a Woman.  You need a robot or a computer generated female because what you describe doesn’t exist in fact you don’t exist you are so incredibly vile it is beyond comprehension.  Your humor is in left field and I’d find it hilarious except that I think you mean every word you say. I’d even go so far as to say that you are a potential CL serial killer.  What’s even more retarded is that you actually have the nerve and audacity to put your photo up.  So I guessI can copy and paste and put your photo and Bio up on Dontdatehimgirl.com.  I feel sorry for the woman who ends up with you; you have got to be one miserable bastard. Get over yourself you are the big 40 and short.

Speaking of posting photos, this is the one she sent me.

But I searched her email on Facebook and this is the real person behind the email:

Day 1 yielded no positive results but I will would not be deterred. I posted again the following day. I’ll post my findings shortly. Now I have to go clean the chocolate and semen off of my lab coat. It’s been a lonely night.