Previous Concoctions:
The Craigslist Dating Experiment – Formula 1
The Craigslist Dating Experiment – Formula 2
The Craigslist Dating Experiment – Formula 3

Tuesday, Sept 22, Late afternoon

MY POST:

Subject: Two For Tuesday

Tomorrow is hump day, and I’d like to, but I’m single and my days of blatant promiscuity are long behind me. At this stage in my career I’m looking to settle down with just the right women in a long lasting, meaningful relationship. Since I’ve been posting on this site, the submissions from ladies have been lacking. Not the number of responses mind you, but the ladies themselves. So in honor of Two for Tuesday I’m going to open up my mind and suggest that, although there may not be one lady out there who has enough going for her to fulfill my criteria, perhaps TWO of you combined will be worthy.

Now obviously this situation isn’t for everyone because, in most cases, the two of you combined will still be inadequate. I just figure that the odds are better if you work together on the lofty goal of pleasing me. That’s not to say that one of you can be bright, funny, and hideously ugly, while the other is gorgeous but dumb as fuck. I’m going to need you both to be extremely attractive, have great personalities, plus be both charming and witty.  Those characteristics are non-negotiable. You’ll certainly have to compensate for each others shortcomings in other areas. One may cook while the other is more skilled at cleaning. One may fold laundry while the other irons capably. One may be skilled at oral pleasure but the other is game for anal. It’s all a matter of determining what each of you can contribute that improves my quality of life and makes me happy. Remember, there is no “I” in “team” but there is “t&a” (you ladies) and “me”.

You might be thinking to yourself that you’re not prepared to engage in intimacy with another woman and I respect that. Initially the two of you can alternate while the other watches or cooks. Eventually I suspect that you’ll feel like you’re missing out an a romantic and fulfilling part of our relationship and probably decide to participate and complete our little love nest. Trust me, that will be the single greatest decision you will ever make.

I’m flexible on age but if either of you is over 30 then the other should be around 19 in order to bring the average down. In a best case scenario, you would both be around 20 years old because, combined, your ages add up to 40 and I’ve been trying to become accustomed to older women. I think this would be a good first step.

It’s Tuesday ladies. Isn’t it time to reward yourself with something special, something extravagant, something amazing? Me.

Click below to read the responses.

Reply 1 (Our conversation)

HER:
Well I am not sure if you like what you see, but I can cook, house clean naked, and massage your feet while you watch porn.  On a more serious note, I am an awesome east coast girl that is looking for a cool guy.  I live in Santa Monica, work fulltime, have all my teeth, no kids, no purse dog, and no drama. WHAT A DEAL!!!  I rock…

(she sent a pic of her w/ a friend in a skeleton costume and white wig)

ME:
I definitely don’t gravitate toward binge eaters but you look really thin. I can see your bones all the way back to your spine. That’s disconcerting.

How can you massage my feet while you’re cooking and cleaning? That’s what you mean by “porn”, right?

HER:
I actually meant porn on tv or the internet.  I am saying I can do it all.  Not at the same time silly. Also, I am not that skinny.  I weigh 105 and am 5ft 1in so I am totally normal.  I have a great appetite, no binge eatting here!  I love steak and sushi and everything in between.

ME:
Is white your natural hair color? It looks really white in the pic.

HER:
I am the other girl.  I have longer hair now and it is red not brown.  My friend was wearing a white wig when she go go dances.

ME:
Thank god. I was really creeped out by the idea of a girl servicing me while wearing a skeleton outfit. I’m a little more conservative than that. Do you have any pics sans go-go dancers?

HER:
I have a lot of photos, but am at work right now.  Can send one when I get home. I am more conservative than my friend.  I grew up in XX and moved to Los Angeles to go to sushi school.  I am a nice and normal girl that was bored looking at CL last night. ha ha

ME:
Sushi school? That’s retarded.

Order.
Fantasize about Japanese waitress folding your laundry in schoolgirl outfit.
Eat.
Pay.
Leave.

There’s a school that teaches that?

HER:
I was taking a break from corporate America and found a school with a bunch of Japanese men.  No interest in them that way.  Did my BA at XXXX State.

ME:
So you didn’t fantasize about them in schoolgirl outfits?

I did my spicy tuna roll at UCLA.

HER:
I wore a school girl outfit for Halloween in XXXX.  I was Brittany Spears .  Still have the outfit.  No Asian women/men fantasies sorry. UCLA, nice. Are you seriously looking for 2 women?  What about one kick as- one?

ME:
I was joking about UCLA. I’m home schooled.

Definitely send the Brittany Spears pic. That could work in your favor.

I’m looking for like 100 women but I’ll settle for one that overwhelms me with her greatness.

HER:
Oh my AGAIN!!!! 100 women is more than Osama Bin Laden has.  You really must be Insatiable! I emailed my friend for the Halloween pic.  Patience my dear. So what makes you worthy of a nice girl like me.

ME:
Attached is a pic of me and one of my many swirled foster children.

HER:
I forgot to comment earlier on the tats.  Nice!!!!  Are you a tattoo artist? Do you really have foster kids.  She is adorable either way. Do you have any kids or psycho exes tracking you down to Venice? I have no drama.  I move far far away from dram, ha!

ME:
I haven’t tattooed anyone professionally but I did it as a side gig in prison.

No, I don’t actually have foster kids. I filled out the form but when it said “What kind of children are you most compatible with?” I said, “19 year old college girls”. Denied. No points for honesty I suppose.

I have no children but psycho exes are abundant. However they generally stay away from me because for every 5 minutes we spend together they’re in therapy for another 6 months. I’m assuming you have a therapist on call?

How old are you?

HER:
I am 34.  I am not over the hill.  I get called Minx and Cougar a lot, but that is fine with me.  I know you are older than me so hopefully I am not TOO old for you.  I am an equal opportunist when it comes to men.  Age doesn’t really matter.
My BA is in Psychology.  So I THINK I can handle you, no therapy will be necessary.

ME:
You’re only about a decade and a half older than my normal target demographic, so it depends on what hill we’re talking about.

Reply 2 (Our conversation)

HER:
So I’ve seen some of your previous posts and thought to myself, “what a cute guy, too bad he’s a jackass!”. Now I’m thinking, it’s Craigslist, what do I expect? Actually you’re probably going about it the right way being direct and upfront. I’m ashamed to say I actually like your attitude. Am I completely twisted? The key thing is you make me laugh. Perhaps if you get me drunk enough we can do a meeting of our important parts? If you’re good, I might throw in a Twix.

ME:
You’re going to get drunk, bring me a Twix then have sex?

HER:
I said if you were good, I’d bring you a Twix. Not sure if you’re Twix worthy yet.

ME:
I’m not sure I like your attitude.

HER:
Didn’t take you for the sensitive type. Want me to play nice?

ME:
Only my testicles are sensitive. I just need to know where I stand on words that end in “x”, like Twix and sex.

HER:
It’s looking good for the “x” words. Obviously depending on chemistry of course, but it looks like your “x-pectations” are going to be fulfilled.

Reply 3 (Our conversation)

HER:
I really love the originality in your idea! And I bet your responses have been thoroughly entertaining.  Good luck to you…happy Tuesday! I’m your age, so I’m sure you wouldn’t be interested…LOL

ME:
Can you play younger? Are you rich? What’s my upside here?

Send more pics. In the first one I feel like I’m looking up your nose and the second is shadowy. Can’t see your face and your tattoo looks like someone put a cigar out on a ladybug.

Inspire me.

HER:
here are a couple more…google XXXX XXXX XX Math and you can find some other pix

ME:
I don’t know how to Google. Plus I’m not good at math.

HER:
I can see you can spell though…and these days, that’s a big plus!

(link she provided)

ME:
I’m quite skilled at the spelling of words. I often use them to write.

I clicked on the link and saw but one pic. Does “XXXX XXXX XX Math” mean “we trick you by implying plural yet there’s just one”? That is pretty evil. Dastardy even.

I’m off to bed. At my age it’s already the middle of the night. Tomorrow is hump day and I’ll need to be rested. I’ve got high hopes.