The Definition of Insanity
By Bad Ass Frank on Oct 14, 2008 in A Diary of a Bad Ass, Featured
I’ve heard that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
I must be insane.
In my life I’ve had a few committed relationships, and a few relationships that almost saw me committed. In fact, from age eighteen to age thirty-two, I had a grand total of two relationships that ate up all but about a year of that time. The second of the two ended in marriage. Well, it actually ended in divorce (And I lived happily ever after), but that’s another story. Immediately following that I, like Paris Hilton, started searching for a BFF or, Binge-Fuck-Fest. Unlike the aforementioned Queen of Vapidity, I didn’t have my own TV show (yet), so I did the next best thing…I Fucked The Internet, or at least every chick on it. Ah, sweet memories of my salad (tossing) days. Post promiscuity, I exclusively dated barely legal pornstars. Good enough for rockstars, good enough for BAF. It was like deciding to only eat delicious foods filled with empty calories for three years. The problem is that you wake up with a horrific stomach ache but instead of an antacid you need antibiotics. Regardless, since my divorce I’d never gotten too caught up in anybody for long. I had a couple of chicks that achieved “girlfriend” status, but mostly it was casual fun on a mass scale of man-whoring. Until I met…
My very first ongoing, on again/off again, wildly dysfunctional, long-ish term relationship filled with laughter, lies, love, betrayal, amazing sex, and mutual emotional abuse to the highest degree.
We’re like a bad episode of Californication.
And now she’s back. I thought i’d kicked this habit but, like Eminem and Kim, I can sing about killing her but never quite bring myself to do it. Cuz no matter how it goes down I look at that little twenty year old, angelic face, turn into a fucking retard, and get amnesia. Suddenly she’s the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and I can’t remember a damn thing she did wrong.
The point to this blog is that I’m insane. I blame Los Angeles, cuz this shit would never have happened if I still lived in Maryland. I’d be married to someone my own age, have two kids, a townhouse, a Jeep Grand Cherokee, and a job selling something to someone who didn’t need it.
Instead, I live in big ass, overpriced apartment a block from the beach in Venice. I’m single and have fucked every chick in an 80 mile radius but still have an unhealthy attachment to my ex-girlfriend who doesn’t even turn twenty-one til next week. I’m loosely employed in the entertainment world and spend much of my free time writing a book about my time as a porn agent or blogging about my life, all for your reading pleasure.
What am I gonna do about my insanity? I don’t know yet. In just the past few days I’ve been spending an inordinate amount of time with the human crack pipe (aka my ex), I just haven’t been smoking it. I’ve been rubbing it against my cheek, sniffing it, even touching it with the tip of my tongue, but I haven’t been smoking it (For those readers who are too stupid to read between the lines, I’m not having sex with her). But that crack, it’s calling my name. (Entendre anyone? Shall I make it a double?)
Who knows what I’ll do. Prior to this I was sort of starting to date, in spite of my disdain for the practice. I’d actually gone out in the world and met some women who may have had promise. Hell, I even had sex with one. Granted she was nineteen, but I can’t take on all of my issues at once, stop pressuring me. So I’m just gonna see what happens. Maybe I’ll keep things loose and continue to explore my options. Maybe I’ll find a “normal” chick, closer to my age, who’s sane. Maybe I’ll go back to man-whoring and see if I can increase my numbers to quadruple digits (Someone lock my penis in it’s room). Or maybe, just maybe, I’ll consider one more round with the ex. The girl that Jenna Von Co-Host refers to as my kryptonite. The thing about me is that even I never know what, or who, I’m gonna do next. But I can tell you one thing…
Sometimes it feels good to go insane.
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Check out Pimpin Ain’t Easy, expcerpts from my upcoming book.
Also, for my feelings about dating, check out Here I Go Again On My Own.
Finally, for my dating exploits on the world wide web, see I Fucked The Internet, the series.
(I suggest you start at number one).
Don’t do it dude.
Rob | Oct 14, 2008 | Reply
Holy crap, “human crack pipe” now there is a name for them! call up webster. So far so good, looks like this one will be wildly entertaining.
Joel | Oct 14, 2008 | Reply
“My very first ongoing, on again/off again, wildly dysfunctional, long-ish term relationship filled with laughter, lies, love, betrayal, amazing sex, and mutual emotional abuse to the highest degree.”
Hmm, a few good points, but I agree with Rob. Who wants lies, betrayal and emotinoal abuse in any type of realationship? You must be insane!
Michelle | Oct 14, 2008 | Reply
Rob, I appreciate the advice, but why?
Bad Ass Frank | Oct 14, 2008 | Reply
Yes, but what if I was the one committing some of it?
Bad Ass Frank | Oct 14, 2008 | Reply
Yeah, it’s gonna get good. Welcome to my life.
Bad Ass Frank | Oct 14, 2008 | Reply
take the leap blindly smoking till you hit the bottom…….
Can’t always be horrible sometimes just a little “bad”
I did it and it was with the one crazy and totally wrong one that I finally found hapiness….now married with OMG kids ..who would of thunkit….
Sonia | Oct 14, 2008 | Reply
I don’t do anything blindly. If I decide to dive into crazy, I do it consciously, head first, eyes wide open. If you’re going to jump, make sure you experience every moment of the insanity.
Bad Ass Frank | Oct 14, 2008 | Reply
FUCK IT GO FOR DIVE RIGHT IN !!! YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE RIGHT ENJOY IT WHY YOU CAN !!!!!LIFES TO FUCKING SHORT AND YOU MIGHT REGRET NO GOING FOR IT AGAIN ! LOL
VERONICA | Oct 15, 2008 | Reply
Or I might shoot myself in the face…repeatedly.
Bad Ass Frank | Oct 15, 2008 | Reply
Honestly if your refering to her as a human crack pipe. shouldnt be a good thing. Your out for a reason. sometimes going back mean reaching back to comfort. it was cormfatable then and it was just easy. I say keep exploring its better then being around someone you probbaly know wont stay long. Good luck!!
Redd | Oct 15, 2008 | Reply
I know from experience that in these situations you’ll do what you’re gonna do no matter how much good (or bad – you guys up there are masochists) advice you get on the subject. I agree with Veronica, except for the part where she suggests it was “comfortable and easy” because I’m guessing it was never either of those things. It’s not about comfortable and easy, it’s about the rollercoaster. There are people you get those unbelievable exciting highs with, and then you get these nut-crunching, karate chop to the neck lows on the other end. Given a little time and space, the lows dull, and the highs sharpen. You miss the highs, and when you come in for another round of it, you are back to getting ex-on-best-behavior mode, until you let go and commit to trying it all again, at which point your relationship turns back into the sucker punching soul-sucking beast it was before. Took me two years to finally say “check please” to the beast on my back. You’re a good man, Frank. If something’s taking away from your life and not making it fuller, it ain’t worth it. And that officially marks the one and only time you will ever catch me being that earnest. Ick.
kasey | Oct 15, 2008 | Reply
What if the crack pipe is cuddly?
Bad Ass Frank | Oct 15, 2008 | Reply
As one of the few genuinely insightful and intelligent people I know, your input is appreciated, duly noted, and agreed with.
Bad Ass Frank | Oct 15, 2008 | Reply
Einstein had a line definining insanity as continuing to do the same thing and expecting different results.
Of course, if you expect disaster, I suppose that makes you rational.
Either way, there are worse problems to have. You could be sane!
Dom
Dom | Oct 17, 2008 | Reply
Frank are you kidding me? you know all the reasons why not to be with her. only 1,I repeat, 1 of us can have a dysfunctional relationship at a time, and since mine has been goin on for almost 2 yrs now. mine wins! so stop with Erin and go get the MILF. get over your committment issues and help me deal with mine haha. I think BK and I may need to come to the rescue
Mike (You know who) | Oct 17, 2008 | Reply
I expect anal. What does that make me?
Bad Ass Frank | Oct 17, 2008 | Reply
I think it’s time for you to move on to a functional relationship and let me have my dysFUNctional one. And BK isn’t exactly a stellar role model either. Dat negro has kids almost as old as the chicks I date.
Bad Ass Frank | Oct 17, 2008 | Reply