I love a nice swell.

Granted, I don’t surf, but what’s that got to do with anything? I still enjoy the ocean. I still enjoy the waves. I still enjoy a girl with a hot ass. I don’t think I should be judged on my lack of surfing ability.

This weekend rocked. After a long week of reality TV casting madness, I finally got to sleep in on Saturday. I woke up to 80 degree weather and pure sunshine. In fucking January. Did you hear me? 80 degrees in January. After chilling all morning, drinking coffee, and scratching my balls, I headed off to the gym only to find this standing in the parking lot.

Um, what kind of world to we live in where asses like that are allowed to be just standing around in public? I mean seriously. Is my popping a boner in public, with sweats on, acceptable? I think not. How embarrassing for her. I’m just innocently standing there when she commits one of the worst social faux pas imaginable and causes me to become erect. I forgave her. Clearly her parents did not raise her correctly. Someone just needed to teach her proper etiquette. As the magnanimous person I am, I politely approached her and offered to teach her a lesson by spanking her right there in the Gold’s Gym parking lot. Of course some people find it difficult to admit their faults, so she balked. And by “balked” I mean, “pepper sprayed me”. Ok, so that didn’t really happen but I did almost get a little chubby. Understandably, that made it more difficult to pump up my pecs, but my amazing, buff physique must live on, so I still worked out.

Saturday night was, by all measurable standards, totally fucking radical. My buddy Chad, author of Sold Out So What, invited me and my crew to a play. Not just any play, mind you, but a live stage adaptation of the classic cinematic brilliance that is Point Break. Yes, my friends, the tour de force starring two of the greatest thespians of our time, Patrick Swayze and Keanu Reeves, has been made into a stage show.

It’s 100 percent pure adrenaline.

When we arrive at the door the first thing they do is offer you a “survival kit”. It’s basically a zip lock bag containing some fake money, a napkin, and a rain poncho.

I actually declined the protection at first, but then she said she wasn’t on the pill. I suggested anal. She didn’t wanna give up the butt so I figured I’d better wrap up. Wait, what was I saying? Oh yeah, Point Break. At first I didn’t want to wear the dumb raincoat cuz my outfit was hot and my hair was perfect. Then I noticed that every other person in the audience had one on which started to worry me. Did they know of some impending hair/clothing disaster that I was unaware of? No sense worrying about your pimp appearance if you’re drenched. I held out my hand for some dirty stripper money (the best kind) and was off to retrieve some plastic protection. Minutes later I saw my friend Steve Agee, one of the stars of The Sarah Silverman Program and a past BAF Show guest. Between myself, Steve, and the brother from ‘My Name Is Earl’, it was a real celebrity studded event.

Enough about anal sex, ponchos, and celebrity audience members. The real star of this story is Point Break. I cannot begin to explain the brilliance of a live action version of one of the greatest movies of all time. What I can tell you, is that the actors performances are homo-erotically amazing, the production value is that of a child’s backyard musical, and the lead role of Johnny Utah is brilliantly cast…from the audience. That is correct. They audition random audience members to play the Keanu role in order to, as they say, “capture the raw essence” of Reeve’s acting ability. Even better is that impromptu star reads his lines from cue cards carried by a chick that leads him to his marks. It is, quite possibly, the greatest thing I have ever seen.

The finale of my weekend was waking up to another beautiful day on Sunday, watching the season premier of Solitary 3.0 on Fox Reality (my first casting gig), and a discussion on why the name of that hybrid fruit, the Grapple, is pronounced “gray-pull” on the commercial. Can they not read proper English? If it were pronounced that way, it would be spelled “Graple”. Fucking idiots and their inbred retard fruit.

Ok, that’s all I got. Sleep calls my friends. Until next time….”My name, is Johnny Utah”.