According to my research (I did no research), God does not like fags.

Leviticus 20:13
“If a man lies with a male as with a woman, both of them have committed an abomination, so don’t be an abominable fag, especially if you’re a “bear” cuz big fat hairy guys doing it is just gross.”

However, in the King James version of the Holy Book, Corinthians 7:11, it clearly states:

“Two chicks together is totally hot, unless they are overly dyke-ish then who really cares one way or the other.”

Now, as a theological literalist, I believe what the Bible tells me (I’m actually an Athiest. Religion is nonsense). So, what we can conclude here is that man/man sex is icky and girl/girl sex is awesome, unless the girls are unattractive, then none of us really care what they do as long as they clean up their dental dams. This brings me to share my thoughts on lesbianism.

I don’t believe in it.

See, I think girls choose lesbianism for a variety of reasons. Someone once told me that they were born that way. Absurd! How many times have you heard a doctor shout, “Congratulations, it’s a lesbian!”? Zero. Exactly. BAF debunks another myth. You’re welcome. Another reason I’ve heard is that, at some point in their lives, they were so badly traumatized by a man that they gravitated toward the “safety” of other women. That doesn’t hold any water either because I’ve always liked women (none of whom are “safe”). And I was never traumitized by men until I got on Myspace and they started emailing me shit like, “You’re hot. I want you to blow a load in my mouth.”

Pardon me while I go rock back and forth on my shower floor for an hour or so and cry.

Now back to my lesson on how lesbians happen. I do think there is some merit to the “A-man-made-me-cry-and-girls-are-sweet-so-I’m-a-lesbian” theory. But it’s a temporary condition. See, a chick, she dig the dick. She digs getting dug by the dick. She digs the dick that the dick is attached to and sometimes, just sometimes, if she’s cool, she digs playing Dig Dug. The problem occurs when the dick that the dick is attached to becomes a really big dick and does something so dickish that it hurts the chick too much and she turns dyke. They always come back though. I’ve had a few female friends who crossed over, or at least considered it. Always after being hurt by a guy, or having a lengthy slump in the romance department. Nobody ever even really questions it. If a guy did that every one of his friends would be like WHAT THE FUCK!. Imagine if I broke up with a girl and, in a moment of emotional weakness (which I never have. I am emotionless, like the Terminator), I went on a date with Mike Hustla. (We never actually went on a date, in spite of what THIS BLOG might say.)

The ladies always head back to hetero at some point. Maybe it’s that they want to birth a little baby. Or that they like some manly arms around them. Or maybe a strap on just looks too fucking weird on a chick for them to deal with. Whatever it is, they come back from the dyke side of the force. As guys, we’re happy to accept them, no harm, no foul. How many rugs did you munch? We don’t care! The more the merrier! Picture this fellas…you and your girl break up and don’t see each other for a month. In 30 days you realize that you can’t live without her. She comes back to you and makes one of the following statements:

A) I fucked another guy while we were apart.
or
B) I got my pussy eaten by a different girl every day while we were apart.

Which option would you prefer. EXACTLY! That’s why they know it’s ok for them to choose the temporary condition known as lesbianism. Not only is it curable, but it’s one of the few conditions that makes you MORE desireable. Let’s see herpes pull that off.

Shout out to Portia de Rossi. All is forgiven and you can come back now.

It is strange to me that men seem to think lesbians are hot. First off, most lesbians are decidedly not hot. Most lesbians are the opposite of hot. Most lesbians are Rosie O’Donnell. But men fantasize and watch countless porn movies that depict lesbians who look like gorgeous, blonde, barely legal schoolgirls. Then they make statements like, “All chicks should be lesbians,” which is stupid. Because, although I can appreciate girl on girl sex, I don’t really care for it. I think it’s blasphemy and should be abolished. It was not as God intended in spite of my initial biblical research. The only natural, beautiful, holy physical interraction between human beings should involve a man and a woman.

And maybe another woman.

See, as long as I’M in there with them, they’re not lesbians. As long as I’m pounding one of them from behind, she can attack the others’ clitoris with her tongue like Oprah attacks a hot fudge triple decker BLT sundae. She isn’t breaking any laws, be they written by man or God. Quite the contrary, she’s bringing peace and harmony to the world. She is “bi”, meaning “two”. And we all know that getting head from two is better than one. Since it’s better, by default all girls should be “bi” and forget this lesbian nonsense. Unless they’re unattractive or manly, then they can do what they want, as long as they clean up their dental dams.

NOTE: There is no such thing as a bisexual man. You’re gay and in denial. You love the cock. Stop frontin’.

This brings me to the end of this particular lecture. I hope you have at least an elementary understanding of lesbianism, its causes, its symptoms and its cures.

I will say this to you ladies who are unsure, to those who feel like they might be lesbians but don’t know how to tell. There is a solid first step you can take on the road to self discovery, to figuring out if you’re straight or gay. To determining your true sexual proclivities.

Come to me, have sex and I’LL tell you.

It’s a safe, non threatening way to determine your sexuality. See, I’ve known many girls that thought they were gay. In a scientifically controlled experiment, had them make love to me and another girl at the same time. Then they had a point of comparison as to which they preferred. Turns out, most of you are bi. Thankfully.

I’m still waiting for my Nobel prize.

There’s more to lesbianism than this and I promise, as soon as I do some additional research, you’ll be the first to hear about it. I’m in the middle of an experiment right now…