To Love And Die In LA
By Bad Ass Frank on Dec 1, 2008 in A Diary of a Bad Ass, Featured
I love Los Angeles. Ever since I moved here from Maryland, I’ve had a sick life. Well, maybe not the first two years, while I was still married, but since then it’s been a ride unlike anything I could have imagined. I won’t go into great detail, but I’ve banged more chicks than most people have met. And I suppose there was some other cool stuff, but right now I can’t remember what it was. All the banging is overriding my memory banks. Let me shake my head like an Etch-a-Sketch and clear out some space for more important thoughts. Thoughts about what’s really meaningful. At the end of the day, the only thing that matters is love.
Why, you ask, is BAF dissertating on the ultimate emotion? Blame it on Saturday night, chocolate fondue, and Lo Lo.
As much as I’d like this to be a story about how Laura came over and let me put it in her butt, it’s not. It’s more like a story about how she came over, we ate chocolate fondue, watched movies, and lamented our love lives. Apparently it’s not a story about me fucking a chick, it’s a story about me being a fucking chick.
On second thought, let’s stick with the anal story. I’ll just make it up as I go along. Um, she was so horny and uh, she couldn’t keep her hands to herself. Right, then she…she…ooh, she pulled out an industrial sized bottle of lube and started screaming, “Jam it in my butt you motherfucker!”. Yeah, that’s totally how it all went down. The end.
Fine, I’m lying. But can you blame me for wanting to invade the ultra hot nation of Assghanistan?
Ok, back to my girliness. Laura and I were discussing our failed relationships and wondering why it was so difficult to find true love in LA. I admit to having been part of the problem for many years. I met hundreds of amazing women who were all viable relationship material, yet I wouldn’t commit to anything. How the fuck was I going to commit to a girlfriend when in any given week I might have sex with three different chicks? If you look at it that way, it’s really the girls fault. If they weren’t all so anxious to fuck me, I might have settled for just one. Of course, using that logic, I’d have waited for the one hottie that would ride me like a cowgirl, and dated her. So that puts us back to the original situation where, to even have a shot, the girls all needed to be banging me. It’s a catch 22. They’re fucked if they do, they’re fucked if they don’t. Lucky for me, I’m fucked either way. It’s a win-win. I win. And I win. Funny, I started this entry to complain about my romantic situation but now I can’t remember what I was upset about.
Laura, like most of my female friends, is having a different problem. She just picks the wrong guys, then wonders why she’s always getting hurt. Chicks in this town gravitate toward the worst possible choices in men. I know, cuz they all used to gravitate toward me. Now that I’m a decent person (please hold your laughter), I get a little less attention. Maybe I should become a drug addict, join a band, become a club promoter, act like a controlling, jealous dick, or be Persian. Then I could get pretty much every chick in the city. Seriously, how many girls have I heard say, “He’s too nice for me.”? Really? Really? Well then, you’re an ugly retard and I’m going to fuck every one of your friends. Wanna go steady? It’s the only reason Lo Lo can be having any problems finding a real relationship. She’s the raddest chick ever, and that’s something coming from a guy who finds shit wrong with everybody. So she’s picking the wrong dudes. I’m sure of it.
The truth of the matter is, Los Angeles is a city full of children unwilling to grow up, unable to see reality, incapable of building anything lasting or real. Granted, there are exceptions, but generally that’s the rule. And we have no one to blame but ourselves. Just like we claim to want to capture our dreams but spend most of our time putting on a facade and partying, we claim to want true love, but we spend our time pursuing people we know aren’t viable options for a lasting bond. We’re a city of emotional cripples who continually sabotage ourselves with obviously poor choices. I know, I’m the king of poor choices. The only difference between me and everybody else is that I’m not delusional. When I did six different girls in one week, or dated a series of 19 year old pornstars, while blowing off the stable talent executive, or the wealthy marketing consultant, I knew what I was doing. It certainly wasn’t searching for true love. It was searching for the world’s greatest vagina. I might as well have been looking for the Loch Ness Monster (preferably waxed of any prehistoric pubes. I prefer my vaginasaurs bald).
Anyway, we never really came to any conclusion other than that we both want something we either can’t find, or subconciously avoid. I’ll probably do what I’ve always done and keep kissing and missing until I die in a freak threesome with two girls who’s combined ages don’t add up to mine. UnlessI get really lucky, and find one worth that long kiss goodnight.
Any idea where I might locate her?
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Maybe there’s more than meets the eye to why I’m still a single guy. For clues, I looked back at some of my previous entries like this one: Young Love. That explains a lot.
You say the same words I spew to my friends here as well…this city is something else for relationships. Road trip we need
jeff | Dec 1, 2008 | Reply
Either girls don’t like Asians or maybe I choose to be single, who knows.
I think finding love is difficult no matter where you go, unless if you’re Indian(the ones Chris Columbus was looking for) or other cultures where the parents already pick who you’re going to marry before you’re even born.
I believe that opposite sexes are attracted to the wrong people cause we all seek adventure or feel that we can change them to what their ideal mate should be. In the end, they must decide whether or not to put up person’s “flaws” or find someone else. At some point, you’ll have to realize that you either must change something about yourself or change the types of people that you’re dating.
Webmaster Joe | Dec 1, 2008 | Reply
hmm have you ever thought that maybe it’s right in front of you???? Maybe you are just to blind to see that the girl who might be “the one” is the one that you were sitting on the couch with and having conversations with instead of banging??? Maybe you need a girl that isn’t actually throwing herself at you? A challage maybe??? I know I never want something that comes so easy now if they easily cum then I reallly don’t want them lol that was a joke. A poor attemt at one!
Angelique | Dec 1, 2008 | Reply
And yet another reason to move out of this bubble of false pretenses…BLAH!
Rather than actually enjoying simple pleasures(sans bow-chica-bow-wow) we all spend far too much time dissecting perceived deficiencies. And that my friend, is no way to live.
I quit. Wanna sublet my cottage?
Karri | Dec 1, 2008 | Reply
“Road trip we need”? Who are you, Yoda?
Bad Ass Frank | Dec 1, 2008 | Reply
Joe, I most certainly agree with you. But goddamn, doing things the wrong way is so much fucking fun. Literally, “fucking fun”.
Bad Ass Frank | Dec 1, 2008 | Reply
Or maybe the girl I’m having a conversation with is the one who’s blind? Trust me, my eyes are wide open and I’ve had love Lasik surgery. I know what I’m looking for, and I know what I’m looking at. Is it too much to ask for a girl to meet my unrealistic expectations? I think not.
Bad Ass Frank | Dec 1, 2008 | Reply
I’ll never quit, my friend. Do we not all want to eventually find ourselves a pearl? Is the journey in life not infinitely more fulfilling when we dive, sans oxygen, with nothing more than a snorkle and a dream, to search for that shiny wonder? I think the problem is, we all go to that little stand at the amusement park that says, “Guaranteed pearl in every oyster”, and find our jewels there. I’m in this game to win so I’ll take a deep breath and keep diving.
Bad Ass Frank | Dec 1, 2008 | Reply
I admire your perseverance, really I do!
Perhaps it’s all of the fresh air, dirt and trees not set in concrete sidewalks that are calling me “home.” Or maybe I’m just exhausted from the energy it takes to just stay afloat in this sea of madness.
I’ll leave you my floaties and an open invitation to tromp in horse poop anytime.
Karri | Dec 1, 2008 | Reply
I accept that invitation.
Bad Ass Frank | Dec 1, 2008 | Reply
You had him at horse poop.
Captain Cocktail | Dec 1, 2008 | Reply
You need a nice Amish girl. Thats my new fetish..Amish chicks.
Captain Cocktail | Dec 1, 2008 | Reply
Me too. Pennsylvania road trip CC?
Bad Ass Frank | Dec 1, 2008 | Reply
I don’t think anyone can have too high of an expectation for themselfs. I mean this is your heart and future when it comes to finding a soulmate so you have to be picky right???
anyways either way, I hope you do find that special someone someday! xoxo
Angelique | Dec 1, 2008 | Reply
Perhaps you’re meant to love more than one person (go ahead with your cheeky come back on that one). What I mean is, you love one person, it ends, you find someone in the future. Not a jumping from one relationship to the next, but closer along the lines of more than one love in a life time. You met the person that was right for you at the time, and then you progressed to a different stage in life, and you had to find a new mate to suit your progress. They aren’t failed relationships (ok maybe some are), you just out grew them??? Maybe? Or am I talkin’ nonsense?
In any case, I wish you nothing but luck Frank.
That Kelli Girl | Dec 1, 2008 | Reply
I was going to make a “harem” comment but your preemptive strike against my wit has derailed me. Truth is, I think I’ve truly/madly/deeply loved one person in my life, and she might have been the least viable option of them all. But it felt good, so who am I to complain.
Trust me, all of my relationships are failed. Not because I outgrew them, but because they never fit in the first place.
I don’t think anyone could live up to how many good hair days I have. I set the bar too high.
Bad Ass Frank | Dec 1, 2008 | Reply
Ahhh… yes. What gets us through. Glad to see you putting it out there. It will come…. that’s not really the issue though.
BTW, I resemble that remark…. check under your car.
xoxo.
S
Mr. S | Dec 2, 2008 | Reply
Shouldn’t you be checking trails for bear crap or something?
Bad Ass Frank | Dec 2, 2008 | Reply
Love is honestly a pain in the ass. Like dane cook said. its like a party and everyone is inside having fun and ur on the corner in the rain outside. then when ur inside ur like where my fucking coat i need to leave.
Jinx | Dec 2, 2008 | Reply
Working is also a pain in the ass, but I like getting paid. Sex is a pain in the ass, particularly if there’s no lube. But that sounds like her problem to me.
Bad Ass Frank | Dec 2, 2008 | Reply
You’re in LA! They dont call it LA LA land for nothing ya know.
Mike Hustla | Dec 2, 2008 | Reply
LA is short for LAaaaaaaaadies.
Bad Ass Frank | Dec 2, 2008 | Reply
Okay, I was once pretty jaded on the whole relationship thing…I was happy and content having my fun with friends…taking my fun when I wanted it, playing arounsd with my girlfriends, and not being tied down in a relationship with anyone. I did not trust anyone to have that much control of me, or rule my heart so to speak..safer that way…about a couple of years ago I started thinking I wanted a relationship, something that would last, the whole person to talk with after work..blah blah blah…thing was I was picking the wrong people..it would start off good, and then I would get bored, or realize they weren’t right..I quit looking, then a frien d put me onto a website…I perused several profiles, and found one that seemed pretty straight forward, ( I am a straight shooter) but when I looked at his picture I thought…totally not my type, but hey we could probably be good friends…that was 5 months ago, we connect on sooo many levels, share so many of the same interests, I am extremely happy, and to think I almost wrote him off because he did not look like my type…and actually is soo not my type..but it feels soo right. So yeah I believe there is someone out there for everyone, and it may not be the person you expect it to be!!!!!! Sorry for the tangent…LOL
Heather | Dec 2, 2008 | Reply
The key is to look at relationships logically. “But I follow my heart, wahh wahh wahh…” Gimme a fuckin break. A 4-year old follows his heart . A dog follows his heart. An adult doesn’t follow his or her heart. Besides, a man’s heart is located in or right next to his penis. And when a woman says she’s following her heart, what she really means is that she’s ignoring her own common sense. Short term “love”, “passion” and “excitement” rarely lasts beyond six months, so why look so hard for it. Find someone with common interests, goals, and background and make sure you won’t be embarrassed introducing him or her to your friends and you’ve practically won the battle.
Special Ed | Dec 7, 2008 | Reply
as usual you crack me up! keep it up and i better get a 1st edition of your book dammit! SIGNED TOO!
L
Lysa | Dec 19, 2008 | Reply