My name is Bad Ass Frank, and I’m an old-a-holic. I’ve tried everything. Twelve step programs, rehab, banging untold numbers of girls who are old enough to vote but not old enough to drink, everything. Yet every day, I get older. And every year, my numerical age clicks to the subsequent digit (while the numerical age on my Myspace page clicks to the subsequent false digit). I’m ageing faster than I can keep up. Immobility, dementia, and the need for adult diapers can only be so far away. Soon, I’ll need a nurse to feed me, bathe me, and apply copious amounts of baby powder so I don’t get a rash on my butt.

In celebrating my birthday, I have decided to go to work, be very tired, then go home and go to bed early. It’s quite exciting and most people could not handle the fast paced, rockstar lifestyle that I lead. If, in fact, I really want to throw caution to the wind, I may watch two back to back episodes of International House Hunters. I understand a couple will be shopping for a farm in Argentina. I’m just not sure I can take the hangover that causes.

I appreciate all of the birthday well wishes. Numbers of early morning text messages, tons of emails, hundreds of Myspace comments, and even an old school card or two (Welcome to the digital age. I should have a webcam b-day party). It’s nice to be thought of on this very not-so-special day.

When I arrived at the office this morning, Leyna had made me a b-day sign and posted it on the wall. It’s very nice.

Not as nice as say, burying my face between her giant boobies, but nice nonetheless. Dustin, my buddy from the Challenge Department (the people that create all the fucked up things they do to you on reality shows), has been bringing every member of the Solitary 3.0 crew in, one by one, making sure they’ve met me, then announcing to them that it’s my birthday. It’s not at all totally awkward, uncomfortable, and embarrassing. I’m absolutely comfortable sitting quietly in my office, working on this blog, while random strangers are forced to wish me a happy birthday. I’m sure they’re all enjoying it as well. Granted, there’s at least one person in this joint I’d like for my birthday, but I’m not sure ol’ Dustin can make that magic happen. A boy can wish though can’t he? Yes, he can. (Can an old dude wish too? Can I? Can I?)

In lieu of world peace, ending hunger, and somebody beating the Chinese at ping pong at the Olympics, I’m happy to just have a nice birthday, working a cool job, enjoying wishes from family and friends, and appreciating my life. I don’t ask for much, cuz I don’t need much. Just happy thoughts, good vibes, oh, and maybe one of these: