A few years ago I got a call from my friend Steve. He and I had gone to high school together in Maryland and still kept in touch even when I moved to CA. He’s telling me about this girl he’s dating and how hot the sex is with her. I’m very excited for him but uh, I had my own sex life which excited me much more. Regardless, I listen to him drone on about it.

“Blah Blah Blah, good kisser, blah blah blah, great tits, blah blah blah, sticks her finger in my ass, blah blah blah, likes her ear nibbled, blah blah blah…”

WHAT?!?

“Dude, have you ever had a girl stick her finger in your ass while she’s blowing you?”

Um, no. What would possess me to do that?

“It’s awesome. You should try it sometime.”

Yeah, I’ll put that on my “Things to do before I die” list.

1) Go skydiving
2) Run with the bulls
3) Climb Mt. Everest
4) Have a girl stick her finger in my ass
5) Jump over the fucking moon

Conversation forgotten shortly after having had it. Perhaps I was traumatized by the idea. Perhaps I questioned Steve’s sexuality. Perhaps I was intrigued and it made me feel gay. I don’t know. But I forgot about it.

A few weeks later I’m at home sharing multiple bottles of an extremely fine wine from the vineyards of Charles Shaw. He makes a delicious Merlot with a fine bouquet that retails for $24….per case. So I always had a case on hand. Or in hand, should I say. The young lady on the receiving end of my 2 buck Chuck splurge was a producer for a show on E!. On what was probably our 3rd bottle of wine we were having a discussion, the topic of which eludes me at this moment. I’d make something up but I strive to be truthful in my storytelling so I shan’t. (Oh no, I shan’t my pants!) Whatever we discussed caused us to go to my computer desk so that I could either show her something or look something up. As I sat down in my chair, she straddled me, set her wine glass down and started some serious making out. I remember thinking, in my excessively drunken state, that her mouth might swallow my entire head. She was a big mouth kisser. Don’t get me wrong, I like an open mouth kiss. But if your lower lip is on my lower lip and your upper lip is on my eyebrows, close up a little. Otherwise I’m going to think you’ll turn into the giant snake from Conan and swallow me up. I’ll be forced to get my sword and slay you. Fucking snake bitch. No matter, the kissing didn’t last long. She quickly dropped down to her knees and started undoing my pants. It occurred to me that I was running a case low on that wine. Apparently, 2 dollar wine was the key to getting blow jobs without putting forth almost any effort. I would buy the vineyard. Drunk as I was, getting a blow job from the E! Network chick, lots of shit occurred to me. I’m a fucking idiot when I’m drunk. Hence, I no longer drink. I can be quite the idiot even without alcohol. So, she undid my pants and starts blowing me. In my dining room, at my computer desk, drunk off cheap wine, I was getting an awesome blow job. Yes, it was good. NAY, it was fucking GREAT. She gave head like a world champion um, head giver! In an effort to make me more comfortable she took off my shoes, removed my pants and really started to go to town. Lips, tongue and hands all working together strictly for my pleasure. I just closed my eyes, leaned back and enjoyed the ride.

NOTE: Having sex with girls who work in the entertainment industry is awesome. Not because sex with them is any better, but you can give them cool nicknames like “E Chick” or “Comedy Central”. And when you call your friends back East they always ask about them using the nicknames.

How’s “MTV hottie”?

Had to blow her off. Been hanging with this fine girl from HBO.

Nice.

Now she’s blowing me and tickling the very bottom part of my balls. Then her fingers drift to my perineum. For those who don’t know, the perineum, on a guy, is that area between the balls and the asshole. Some refer to it as the “taint”. For some reason that disturbs me. Please never discuss my taint. I’m so drunk that I only half notice when her finger drifts to my asshole. I’d never had a girl do that before and I remember thinking that it felt interesting, for lack of a better word. She started to play with it rather aggressively which normally might have alarmed me but she also started blowing me more aggressively so I was distracted. Too many sensations for me to focus on one.

Cock feels great…

Balls feel good…

Asshole feels um…

Balls feel…

Cock feels…

Balls…

Cock…

Asshole…

My eyes are closed and I’m basically in some sort of weird hypnotic state that E! has put me in with her oral skills. The massive amount of wine I drank has all entered my brain and I’m so incredibly wasted that I can’t think straight. I hear something that sounds like spitting but I can’t open my eyes to check it out. Seconds later she deep throats my cock so that even my balls are almost in her mouth and then she

STICKS HER FINGER IN MY ASS!

My eyes sure as fuck opened up then. As a matter of fact, I think they shot out of the sockets, flew across the room, bounced off the wall, ricocheted off the microwave and slammed back into my skull. For a split second I thought I might scream or at least yelp (Yes, I know it’s not manly to yelp but it’s not exactly manly to have a finger randomly stuck in your ass either so fuck you). Sensing my reaction E! began attacking me again with her mouth. Suddenly this bj with a finger in my ass has become one of if not THE greatest physical pleasures I’ve ever felt. Her lips are running up and down my cock while her finger is slowly moving in my ass. After this goes on for a few minutes she got bold and put another finger in there.

SHE HAD REALLY SMALL FINGERS GODDAMN YOU!

Long story gets short very quickly because about 2 seconds later I almost blew the back of her head off. I had the most explosive orgasm of my life and it seemed to last forever. My entire body tingled and I got a massive head rush. Never had I felt anything like that before. It was amazing. It was incredible. It was outrageously awesomely intense. When I stood up my legs were shaky and I could barely make it to my bedroom. Once I did get there I collapsed and passed out instantly. A sweeter slumber was never slept.

The next day I can’t wait to call Steve and tell him what had happened. He was going to be so impressed that I’d let a girl do that. He answers and I tell him the entire story in great detail. When I finish he’s silent for a second and then says, “Fingers? What are you, a fag?”

Huh? Did I go from adventurous sex stud to fag in just one finger? Is that the difference between being secure enough with my sexuality to allow assplay and being a homosexual? One finger.

ONE MOTHERFUCKING FINGER?

Fuck that. I don’t accept that. I require another, more expert opinion. So I go to what I consider to be one of the greatest sources of sexual information on the planet….Big Kev.

Riiiiiiiiing.

Riiiiiiiiiiiiiing.

BK: Hello

BAF: Sup Kev?

BK: Whassup man?

BAF: Question for you…if a girl is blowing you and sticks 2 fingers in your ass, is that gay?

BK: Nigga, a bitch can stick her whole leg up my ass if it feels good.

BAF: Thank you.

There, I had it. The least gay person I knew had confirmed that I was not, in fact, at any risk of being gay. Hell, I could take an entire limb up my anus and still be as hetero as hetero can be. Thank god, cuz I was gonna be highly disappointed if another fine young lady couldn’t stick any of her digits in my butt.

Perhaps, if the mood was right, I’d let the next girl go 3 fingers. If she was hot. If I felt comfortable with her. If we had a special bond.

And if she worked for one of the big 3 networks. How could I resist telling my friends that my ass got fingered by NBC?

Now THAT’s what you call Bad Ass.